


Self Division

by Jemsauce



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Fix-It: s04e13 Journey's End, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22552606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jemsauce/pseuds/Jemsauce
Summary: On their way back to Pete's World--after saving the universe from Davros and the Daleks--something goes horribly awry with the Metacrisis Doctor and Donna Noble, and it's up to The Doctor to save them.This is a Journey's End Fixit, and a prequel to The Woman and The Bell.  It's the first fanfic I ever wrote, so it's pretty rough, but you might want to read it if you plan on reading The Woman and The Bell, which I hope will be finished eventually.  I'm working on getting someone to adopt it.NOTE:  Chapter 4 has been located and added, so this fic is complete!  Thanks so much, chiaroscuroverse!
Relationships: Jackie Tyler & Rose Tyler, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor & Donna Noble | The DoctorDonna, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Comments: 26
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

Human.

Mortal.

For hundreds of years, the Doctor thought he understood what that meant. Now, in this new hybrid vessel, the concept never felt more foreign. The beat of his singular heart felt like an echo in a hollow room, the space between beats a little too long. It was like a hitch in his breath, a hiccup. His lungs felt more constricted; his sense of smell and taste muted. It was a little like being under the weather. Functional, but… reduced. Faded.

He was leaning against the railing in the console room, one ankle thrown over the other, sightlessly staring at the time rotor as it moved rhythmically up and down. His arms were crossed casually over his chest, head resting on the pillar of coral beside him. Most of their group had gone. Just Jackie, Rose, and Donna were left. They were going to the parallel universe. Pete’s world. Donna and Jackie were sitting in the captain’s chairs chatting about their favorite department stores, and the differences and similarities between the two universes on that particular topic. He was mostly tuning them out. Rose was watching the Time Lord Doctor scurry around the console, flipping switches, hitting buttons, occasionally kicking something.

Human… mortal… human mortal… human. The words kept rolling around in his head. For the first time, he was really exploring what it was to be human. Not just an outside observer anymore. No longer a Time Lord. Not completely. He was a new species altogether, in a way. Still the last of his kind, just a different kind now. Maybe it wasn’t fair to put himself on the same plane as humans, now that he really thought about it. He was only part human, after all. How does that work? Was he fifty percent human? Thirty? Eighty? He no longer had a clear awareness of the inner workings of his body. It was strange, like having your arm go to sleep and being unable to move it, even though you know it’s there.

But how much of this is truly human? He wondered if, blunted and ungainly as he felt, his senses were still more advanced than a pure human. The idea that his senses could feel more desiccated than this made him shudder inwardly. And there was something else in this new body that was uncomfortably different. He was failing to compartmentalize. Pure emotion and reasoned thought were more fluid and intermingled, sometimes the lines blurring so completely that they seemed to form a new, unfamiliar cognitive state—thoughtmotions, perhaps, or emothoughts… but that’s just ridiculous.

At least his intellect appeared to be intact. His thoughts were a little muddled, but he was in a state of mild shock at the moment. He was also tired, and he had a headache.

Human… mortal… mortal human. Mortal. Mortal. Mortal.

His chest constricted a bit and he took a deep breath, letting it out with a slight shudder.

Glancing across the console, he caught Rose’s eye; she smiled softly and waved a few fingers at him; he returned the gesture. She wore a singular expression as she stared at him, the smile fading slightly as her gaze shifted, settling on the other Doctor again.

The other Doctor.

No, that wasn’t quite right, was it? You couldn’t call the original Doctor—the fully Time Lord Doctor—you couldn’t call him the other Doctor. That’s what you’d call the part human Doctor. The accidental Doctor. The shouldn’t-exist Doctor. He grimaced and stared down at his red Converse trainers.

Fundamentally, as an individual, he felt no different. Same thoughts, same memories, same everything. It was like he’d woken up from a nap and gotten out on the left side of the bed instead of the right. That didn’t make him a different person, it just meant he was standing on a different side of the room, that’s all. Still, it couldn’t be debated that this version of himself was wrong. He shouldn’t exist. There had never been a human Time Lord metacrisis before, and there never should have been. His throat tightened as his mind flashed on Donna’s frightened but hopeful face, that moment he awoke on the TARDIS floor.

The TARDIS. He was going to leave her soon. He’d have to. The other Doctor—no, wait, that was him. He’s the original Doctor. I’m the other one. He would never share the TARDIS. Not even with himself. Maybe especially not with himself. Companions were one thing, but the idea of sharing it with himself was like nails on a chalkboard. If he were the original Doctor, he would want to be rid of himself as soon as possible. Not out of cruelty or coldness, but facing himself every day, looking himself in the eye… up until this point, nothing had made him more uncomfortable. He could hardly stand to look at himself, much less interact.

He feared the original Doctor would be leaving him in Pete and Jackie’s world. Not only banished from the TARDIS, but completely severed from her in every way. The last telepathic connection he had. The final link to his past, gone. But it might be just as well. She had been emitting a low, discordant hum in the back of his mind. His presence had her confused. It’s still me, old girl, there’s just two of us now. For a little while.

Swallowing hard, he shifted his gaze back to Rose as she chatted with the original Doctor. He seemed happy—and there it was, that manic grin. The shouldn’t-exist Doctor knew that look well. It was the clean white linen covering an old, broken down and dusty wardrobe, cleared out and empty and alone. That dullness in his eyes spoke of profound grief and loss, carefully concealed beneath the veil of his humor. And something else. Something both acutely desperate and carefully guarded…

His stomach lurched as realization suddenly dawned on him. He’s not just going to leave me behind. He’s going to leave Rose.

Dumbfounded, he watched their interaction. She seemed so happy, so lively, just as he’d always tried to remember her. Not the terrified Rose clinging desperately to the lever until the force of the void was so strong her fingers slipped free; or the Rose trapped in another universe, ravaged by grief as they said their final goodbyes. Those images haunted him, but he’d come to a place where he could bury them under memories of her carefree laughter and the feel of her hand in his, if he tried hard enough, and had enough distraction. The pain never left, but it was no longer the raw, ragged wound it had been in the beginning. It had become more of a dull, throbbing ache in his chest.

But now she was back. Rose was back. Rose Tyler. His Rose.

And that daft Time Lord was going to leave her.

And she was coming over. Wait, why is she coming over? He glanced searchingly around, but the original Doctor had apparently left the console room. Stifling a groan of apprehension, he rubbed at one eye with his index finger and pretended not to notice Rose’s approach. Not that he didn’t want to see her. Of course he wanted to see her. He was just out of sorts. Very out of sorts. And he always acted weird when he was out of sorts.

Rose came up beside him and bumped shoulders. He looked at her and she smiled, almost shyly, which struck him as odd until he remembered he wasn’t actually himself—he was the other one. A slight, breathy chuckle escaped her lips as she said, “Hello…” in that wonderful Rose Tyler way. It reminded him of Rose the shop girl. Young and innocent and full of wonder. For the first time since she’d come back, he was catching a glimmer of Rose when they’d first met, when he was all leather jackets and jeans and angst and anger. She was the balm on that massive, festering wound that the desolation of his people had left him. Her youth, her innocence, her determination. Her curiosity and sense of adventure, and her unique brand of optimism, all worked together to ground him after so much devastation. The simmering guilt for being the detonator, the one who destroyed them all for the sake of the universe, and the profound loneliness of losing every piece of his old existence except for the TARDIS. She had not only been a companion to him. She had been his loyal friend, without judgment or disapproval or conditions of any kind. She was love. She was everything. She was the spark of light in his darkest moments.

“Hello…” he smiled at her.

God, she was beautiful. All pink and yellow with her blond hair and soft, full lips, and those big, bright eyes, full of boundless spirit. Rose Tyler. In the flesh. It didn’t seem real.

“So,” she bit her bottom lip. “New new new Doctor?” She let out a little laugh.

His smile widened into a grin. “That’d be me!”

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So, what’s it like?”

“It’s weird. I mean it’s kind of a bit weird. It just feels really… weird.” He held his breath and puffed his cheeks out, glancing away briefly as his expression turned wry. “I think it’s just sort of…”

“Weird?”

“Yes.” He exhaled sharply, feeling extremely tense and uncomfortable and nervous. It was an odd sensation, being yourself—even looking like yourself—but having everyone you know approaching you like you’re a stranger.

The throb in his head increased slightly.

Rose hugged her arms around herself. “So, I don’t understand. You’re like a clone or something?”

His heart sank a little. He wasn’t sure why, and he only just now realized, he’d apparently hoped she would innately understand, after all their time together, that he was still the old Doctor. New new Doctor, but in form only. I’m still me. “Not exactly,” he said lamely. There was an awkward pause as his mouth moved to form words that his voice couldn’t conjure, before finally settling on something. “It was a metacrisis regeneration. When I funneled the excess regeneration energy into my hand—” he held up his hand and wiggled his fingers, “—this hand, my handy spare hand—my consciousness split and went into my hand as well. Then Donna touched my hand. That extra nudge triggered my regeneration.”

Rose looked puzzled. “But doesn’t that pretty much sort of make you a clone then? I mean, a copy of yourself?”

He shook his head. “Not a copy. It’s more like… cell division. Only in this case, it’s not cells dividing, it’s consciousness.”

“So does that make you half yourself? Are you, like… you know, missing parts of yourself now? Or the other Doctor. I mean, do you feel different?”

Something in her question struck a sour note, pinging dully in the back of his mind. He shrugged it off. “Nope! Same old me! Same old face, too!” He bounced his eyebrows with self satisfaction. “Just… part two, I guess. Doctor 2.0.”

She grinned. “Well, the universe could always use another Doctor,” she laughed. “Maybe you two could take shifts and weekends!”

His eyebrows shot up. “Weekends? What would I do with weekends? And shifts? That sounds borderline domestic, Rose Tyler.” He grinned, then cringed inwardly when he realized he was giving her the white linen grin. His smile softened and a slight chuckle escaped his throat. It was very ninth-incarnation of him. A smile, but more subdued. More honest.

His heart was breaking. For Rose, for his Time Lord self… and for this daft new form. His mind flashed on the TARDIS again. Time was running out for them.

The cyclical thoughts returned. Human. Mortal. Mortal human. Mortal. Mortal mortal mortal mortal… His heartbeat sped up and he felt his stomach flip-flop.

“Hey, you okay?” Rose was asking. Her hand was on his arm. “You don’t look so good.”

He shook his head as if to clear it. “Yeah. Fine. I’m just fine. Fine.”

“Your hands are shaking. And you’re sweating. On your face.” She pointed as she spoke.

He quickly ran his hands through his hair and behind his neck to hide them. “S'alright. Just tired, I think. Been a mad day.”

She nodded. “Yeah, you could say that.” She pulled on his arm. “Come on, let’s go get something to drink and have a sit down.”

She gave him a sweet smile, her eyes crinkling a little, and tossed her head towards the stairway that lead to the galley.

He furrowed his brow in slight confusion. This wasn’t quite what he’d expected, but never one to deny such a simple request from Rose Tyler, he smiled back and nodded. “That’s the best suggestion I’ve heard all day.”


	2. Chapter 2

The roundels in the circular galley were barely lit. It was enough light to function, but pleasantly dim and relaxing. Strangely, the traditional dining table had been replaced by a lowset, deck-like table, and the chairs replaced by multicolored cushions piled on thick, plush rugs. A cool, soft light in the form of a glowing orb hovered freely over the table, casting a relaxing splash of blue across the dining area. The whole arrangement looked jarringly out of place surrounded by all the copper cabinets, shiny black countertops, coral beams snaking up around them.

Rose lifted an eyebrow. “You’ve redecorated.”

The part human Doctor laughed. “The TARDIS redecorated.”

“Well, you must be exhausted if she went to all this trouble.”

The Doctor nodded. “A bit exhausted, yeah, you could say.” He plopped himself down on a pile of cushions and propped his feet on another pile, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. The throb in his head was becoming more insistent, but it felt a little better now that he was lying down.

Rose filled the tea kettle and put it on to boil, then rummaged for tea tins and cups.

“Interesting choice of décor,” the Doctor casually observed, waving a hand across the dining area. “Sort of 1970s meets ancient Rome. All we need is togas and lava lamps.” Rose laughed. “You know, I went to ancient Rome once. Well, twice. Well, maybe more than twice. Took Donna to Pompeii a while ago. 'Course I didn’t really mean to go to Pompeii exactly. Especially on volcano day…”

Rose was putting tea in cups and glancing at him every few seconds. “Volcano day! Doctor, I know you like an adventure, but that’s a bit much. Poor Donna!”

“Oi! I said it was an accident! But it wasn’t all bad. We did get to save a family, even if we couldn’t save the whole town. That’s thanks to Donna.”

“I assume you still take your tea the same?” Rose’s voice brought him back to the present. She was holding the sugar spoon, waiting for his response. Steam curled up and away from the cups. She’d poured the water already. He hadn’t been paying attention.

“You know, I’m not sure…” he muttered. “I haven’t tasted tea with this tongue yet. I guess we’ll find out.”

There was a pause before she nodded, her cheeks flushing slightly as she started spooning the sugar in. “Right. Of course.” She stirred the cups and brought them over, setting them down on the low table and settling herself into a half-reclined position, knees curled, head propped up with one hand, a pillow under her arm. She stared at him for a few moments. “I keep forgetting your not him.”

The Doctor rolled onto his side and mirrored her own position, reaching for his tea cup and sniffing at the contents experimentally. He glanced up at her. “I am him.” Another sniff, then a delicate, cautious sip. A pause, then he looked relatively satisfied, nodding.

“Well yeah, I mean I know you’re him in here,” she tapped the side of her head with a finger, “But new new new Doctor, right? When you changed before, you were different. Like, you were still you, but there were things about you that changed with your face. You weren’t so intense. You enjoyed things more, were more fun loving, you know? All that anger and pessimism, it sorta faded away. But…” she hesitated.

“What is it?” he nudged, setting his cup down.

It was another moment before she began to speak again. “I’ve just… noticed some things. Since I’ve been back. And I know it’s been stressful circumstances and that, and we’re all pretty shaken, but the Doctor—the other Doctor I mean—he seems… different. Like that anger and pessimism, it’s back. I see so much of his old, brooding self again.” She twirled her fingers mechanically around the plush rug, staring at the table. “But then I come over and talk to you,” she looked up into his face. He was staring intently at her. “And it’s so much more like it was before I left. Like the other Doctor, he’s changed, but you haven’t. Or you seem like you haven’t. So if you’re the same, then why are you so… different?”

“Rose…” the Doctor scratched the back of his neck and made a wry face. “There are a couple of things. A few things. Blimey, where to start.” He paused, staring up at the ceiling, trying to gather his thoughts. His mind felt so foggy right now, and the soft cushions and warm tea were exacerbating his tiredness. “Okay, so, when you first met me, back when you were working in that shop, I was in bad shape. Fresh out of the time war, where not only were my entire people annihilated, but I was the one that did it—me, I hit that button and blew them all to hell.” He paused briefly, swiping a hand across his face. “I was in a state. I had just regenerated, and I hadn’t even begun to process what had happened, what I’d done. Then you came along…”

The door to the galley opened and the original Doctor walked in. Rose jumped to her feet, but the shouldn’t-exist Doctor just rolled over to face him, still half laying down, blue suit twisting asymmetrically with the motion, leaving his jacket rumpled and paints hiked up too high, revealing the tops of his trainers and a trail of navy blue socks disappearing up his pant legs.

The Time Lord Doctor was taken aback at the sight of the kitchen, eyebrows sky high and eyes wide. “You’ve… redecorated…”

Rose laughed. “That’s what I said.”

His eyes darted across the low table, the multicolored rugs and cushions, the dim lighting. “Interesting choice of décor… a bit 1970s meets ancient Rome.”

“That’s what I said,” the part human Doctor grinned broadly, exchanging a glance with Rose.

The original Doctor tossed his head appraisingly and furrowed his brow. “I don’t like it.”

“It was the TARDIS,” Rose explained. She gestured to Doctor 2.0. “She sensed he was tired.”

“Oh, did you now?” he muttered. By way of response, the roundels on the wall lit up fully, brightening the room. “Ah. That’s a bit better.”

“I beg to differ,” scowled the part human Doctor, shielding his eyes. “That is not helping my headache.”

The original Doctor ignored his remark, turning serious as he looked at Rose. “We’ve landed. In Pete’s world. There’s not much time left before the walls of the universe close. Time to say our goodbyes.”

Rose nodded solemnly as the Time Lord returned his attention to the part human Doctor. “Come on, Doctor.” A slight smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, but didn’t reach his eyes.

So he’s going through with it. The shouldn’t-exist Doctor glared at his counterpart, but obediently rolled onto his knees and stood. Just then, a brief, searing pain stabbed through his head and he grunted in pain, staggering as a wave of dizziness struck him.

“You alright?” the Time Lord Doctor took a step towards him, one eyebrow slightly arched.

“Fine,” the other Doctor replied, somewhat irritated. “Just a just a just a just a headache. Just a headache.”

“Doctor. Maybe you should lie back down.” Rose’s voice was full of deep concern. She went over to him and grabbed his arm.

“No, it’s fine. I feel, I feel fine fine fine fine fine fine, no honestly, I feel fine…” dizziness rolled over him again and he stumbled. The original Doctor rushed over and grabbed his other arm. They eased him back down onto the cushions.

“Something’s not right,” the Time Lord said. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver and started scanning. 

The part Human Doctor batted him away, taking in a deep breath. “Oi! I’m fine, it’s just a bad headache. I think I just need some sleep, I need, I just need need need…”

Even as he spoke, his stomach lurched and his vision went blurry. A fiery pain lanced through his temples and he gasped sharply, leaning forward and grabbing his head with a moan that grew into a full-fledged scream.


	3. Chapter 3

“Doctor!” Rose cried in panic, clutching the part human Doctor’s arm in a fierce grip.

“Come on,” the fully Time Lord Doctor’s tone was urgent. “Help me get him to medbay.”

Even as he spoke, Jackie burst into the room. “There’s something wrong with Donna! Oh my god, Doctor, what’s going on? What’s with him?”

The Time Lord was already on his feet and on his way to the console room at a run. They heard his voice echoing distantly down the hallway. “Donna!”

The part human Doctor was still clutching his head and groaning piteously, voice thick and rough. Tears of pain were gathering in his eyes and trailing down his cheeks. Rose hooked her arm under his shoulder, looking at Jackie. “Mum, help me!”

Jackie was there in a flash, arms gathering up under the Doctor’s other shoulder. “Where are we going?”

“Medbay.” She leaned down and spoke into the Doctor’s ear. “Doctor. Doctor, listen. We need to get you to medbay, but we need your help, can you walk?” He nodded through gritted teeth. Rose looked back at Jackie. “Okay, Mum, help steady the Doctor, make sure he doesn’t fall over if he gets dizzy. Medbay’s down the hall, fifth door on the right. Let’s get up now, come on, Doctor.” They hoisted him up. He was unsteady and leaned heavily on both of them, but was able to support himself. They slowly walked him out of the galley and down the hall.

Halfway there, they heard heavy footfalls behind them. Rose looked back and saw the Time Lord Doctor hastily following them, an unconscious Donna in his arms, her shiny red hair bouncing with each step. The look on his face was grim, creased with worry.

Rose felt herself go pale as she turned her eyes forward again, focusing on helping the part human Doctor as he staggered weakly down the hall. He collapsed, unconscious, as they entered brightly lit, all white medbay, and Rose ran to get a hover gurney from the slot in the wall as the Time Lord Doctor stepped over him and laid Donna down on one of the beds, hooking her up to the TARDIS machines with concise movements. Rose and Jackie rolled the part human Doctor onto the gurney, and it automatically lifted him to the bed next to Donna, lowering him to the mattress and dematerializing beneath him, reappearing in its wall slot home.

The Doctor finished programming the TARDIS scan cycle for Donna, then turned and began to do the same with his duplicate. He pulled both patient monitors over on their flexible, hinged arms, and situated them side by side, standing between the two beds and reading results as they started appearing. Rose stood on the other side of the part human Doctor’s bed, feeling helpless; Jackie stood at the foot, looking equally lost, arms folded around her middle in a self-hug.

“Doctor, what’s going on? What’s happening to them?” Rose asked. She was leaning over the bed slightly as she spoke, hands splayed on the mattress, blond fringe falling around her face. The Doctor stopped typing and shifted his eyes to make contact with hers, expression taut and full of sadness and longing as his gaze danced back and forth along her face, drinking her features in. After a moment, he tore his eyes away and returned typing on the monitor keys.

“It’s the metacrisis. Something’s gone wrong.”

Rose looked at the duplicate Doctor’s vital signs on the monitor. His heart rate was elevated. Heart rate. Singular. One heartbeat. Her face blanched. “Doctor, he’s only got one heartbeat.”

“Yeah.” He continued staring at the monitors.

Her brow furrowed in confusion at his lack of concern. “But isn’t that bad, I mean, do we need to do something to get the other one working again?”

“No.” More typing, then scrolling through a series of what looked like graphs, all with weird symbols she didn’t recognize.

“Doctor, I don’t understand, why—”

“He’s only got one heart.”

Rose straightened, taken aback. “What?”

The Doctor looked at her pointedly. “One heart.”

Jackie frowned. “One heart now? For goodness sake, just when I think I’ve got your alien bloke figured out, he spawns another one of himself with only half his organs! What next, he gonna start losing arms and legs?”

“Mum, please!” Rose said tersely.

“But really though!”

“Mum!”

Jackie sighed.

The Doctor spoke up again. “He was created with my consciousness, my regeneration energy, and a bit of Donna’s DNA to fill in the missing parts of the puzzle. He’s part human. Just like Donna took on the Time Lord consciousness. It was a two way biological human-Time Lord metacrisis.” There was a bitter edge to his voice.

“Part human…” Rose repeated. It seemed simple enough, if you were used to all the crazy, impossible things you encountered while traveling with the Doctor. But she didn’t feel like it was sinking in properly. Not yet. The Doctor might as well have told her what he’d had for breakfast or what the weather was going to be like for all the emotional response it conjured.

She tried to rein her thoughts in. “Okay, so two way biological human-Time Lord metacrisis. That’s why they’re both effected. What’s gone wrong?”

The Doctor scratched the back of his neck, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I mean, I knew with Donna… she has the Time Lord’s consciousness flying around inside her human brain. It’s impossible for her mind to contain or control. She’s gonna burn.”

Rose felt horror wash over her. “It’s going to kill her?”

The Doctor nodded grimly. “Unless I wipe all her memories. Everything she ever knew or experienced that has to do with me, us, the TARDIS… Trouble is, it’s happening faster than I thought. And I don’t understand why it’s effecting him. He’s biologically part Time Lord, he should be fine, but for some reason…”

There was a brief silence before Jackie turned to Rose. “I’ll go make us all a cuppa. That seemed to help himself last time, maybe it’ll do some good again.” Rose simply nodded, and Jackie gave her arm a little squeeze before leaving.

Rose turned back to the Doctor. He was at Donna’s side this time, looking down at her. He brushed a few strands of red hair out of her face, then sighed and shook his head. “She’s burning up. I need to go inside her mind and wipe her memories soon.” His voice was thick and heavy. “We had the best of times,” he added in a gravelly whisper.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had gone missing on Tumblr, but thankfully, Chiaroscuroverse was able to locate it, so I’ve uploaded it here, and the fic is now complete. Thanks so much!

Rose hurried over to the Doctor and took him in her arms. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and shoulder, loosely wrapping his arms around her waist. She thought he felt like a deflated balloon, wilted and empty. “I'm so sorry, Doctor,” she whispered, rubbing a comforting hand across his back. He took in a long, deep breath and released it in an equally long sigh, then pulled away. His eyes were red rimmed and glossy with restrained tears. Rose took his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. He placed his other hand on top of hers and smiled thinly, rubbing his thumb gently over the back of her hand. She felt her face flush as she gazed searchingly into his eyes.

He looked as though he was about to say something, but then the proverbial white linen came down and he pushed past her to look at the monitors again, scratching the crown of his head. “I still don't understand what's going on with him though,” he tossed his head towards his unconscious duplicate. “I'm looking at his readings, and everything is fine. His heart rate is elevated, which can be explained by the distress he's in, I mean clearly he's in a lot of pain, but... everything else is totally normal. Unlike Donna, her readings are all over the place. Heartbeat erratic, nervous system practically on fire with synaptic activity... her brain’s on overload...”

Rose stepped over and stood next to the Time Lord. “Doctor, didn't you say he took on part of Donna's DNA when he regenerated?” The Doctor turned his attention to her. “Well, what if he took on more than just her DNA. What if they're sort of, you know, linked somehow. I mean, Time Lord's are telepathic...”

“Well yes, but humans aren't. That shouldn't be possible. Except...” The Doctor's eyebrows shot up and a spark of hope appeared in his eye. He grabbed her by the shoulders. “Rose Tyler, you're brilliant! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! It makes perfect sense. Donna's part Time Lord—she must have taken on the telepathic part too! That's why his vitals look okay, even with all the symptoms! He's literally feeling everything she feels! It's all Donna! And if she's become telepathic...” His hands flew to the keyboard as he started typing furiously, scrolling through different images of brain patterns so fast she couldn't keep up.

She put a hand on his shoulder excitedly. “Then what, Doctor?”

He stopped what he was doing and looked at Rose, hesitating. “Rose... what I'm considering, it's something you are never, ever supposed to do as a telepath. I can save Donna, I can save all her memories... but in order to do so, I have to form a bond with her. The tricky bit is it's not possible without her consent. I'd have to find a conscious part of her, inside her mind, and connect with her there in order for us to form the bond mutually. It's more than just hiding away her memories. This would involve going much deeper—far, far deeper than I would normally ever even consider going without that person's permission.” He stopped speaking for a few moments, brow creased pensively. “But what choice do I have? It's either quarantine her memories, let her die, or...” he worried the inside of his bottom lip.

Rose placed a hand on the Doctor’s arm. “Donna would never want to forget. Not ever. I'm sure of it...” her voice trailed off as she considered what exactly he was proposing. She briefly tried to imagine what it would be like, to have someone enter your mind against your will, probing every memory, every thought, every part of you without restraint. Honestly, it sounds awful... “Doctor, how exactly is this bond supposed to help?”

“When you form a telepathic bond with someone, you are permanently joined with that person mentally, even without touch. She'd be inside my head, and I'd be inside hers. And that's just it, that's why it will work. If the bond is there, I would help carry the weight of that Time Lord consciousness that's burning up her head. It wouldn't hurt her anymore, because I'd be carrying the load. And with my Time Lord mind, well...” he tossed his head proudly as he sometimes did, a smile lurking at the corner of his mouth just a moment before he turned serious again. “But she'd never be alone in her own mind again. I could teach her how to shield herself to some degree, but ultimately, I'd always be there in her head. And her in mine.”

That actually doesn’t sound so bad, Rose thought.

“But Doctor, if she's already linked with the other you, then why isn't it working already, with him?”

“He's part human. I need to evaluate his physiology more thoroughly to be sure, but chances are his brain isn't up to it. He can carry his own Time Lord consciousness, but it's probable he doesn't have the capacity for more Time Lord than he's already got floating around in there.” He was gesturing manically with his hands, running his fingers through his hair and flapping his arms about as he explained. “Imagine your brain, your human brain, is like a box. You can keep putting things in, but ultimately, there is a max capacity. If you try to put in more than the box can hold, the whole thing would blow apart. That's what's happening to Donna. Now think of a Time Lord's brain as a big balloon. The more you put in there, the more it expands. It's virtually impossible to overload because it just keeps stretching and stretching to make room for all the new stuff. That's why we Time Lords can live for thousands of years without just going completely bonkers after a while. Well... Most of us. Anyway, with the bond, my brain would simply expand to accommodate the overflow in her human brain, thus alleviating the havoc in her mind.”

“But the other you isn't dying, so he must have a Time Lord brain. It should already be working, shouldn’t it?”

“I can't be sure without more tests. But it's likely that he's got a bit of both, physically speaking. Enough to handle his own Time Lord consciousness, but maybe not enough for two. He's too human. Besides, what they have isn’t a bond, it’s merely a link. A bond is impossible without conscious consent between both people.”

“I’m worried, Doctor. Going inside someone’s head, that’s... we have to be sure.” She hesitated. “What if you don’t do it. If your consciousness got broken apart, are you going to be missing bits of yourself if you don’t create the bond? Will you need to, you know, bond with the other you as well?”

The Doctor shook his head. “No, it doesn't work like that. My consciousness divided, like cell division. It's not like cutting a loaf of bread into three smaller pieces. We all have the same amount of Time Lord consciousness, just like cells are two complete cells after dividing. And it's more than just memories. It's... essence, thought patterns, chemistry, fundamental self. Him carrying Donna's mind would be like having two Time Lords in his head. Besides, a link isn't the same as a bond. It's a connection, whereas a bond is more like a fusion. That's why it can't be undone. Not without... considerable pain to both parties.” He paused, swallowing noisily as he studied Rose's face, trying to read what she was thinking. “If I go inside her head, I can try to find a conscious part of her and ask her to bond. But if I can't—if her mind is too overloaded already, I'll have to isolate and sever her Time Lord consciousness, and all those memories connected to it, to save her...”

Rose hesitated a few moments, then nodded. “Do it.”

“Are you sure?” his voice was thin and strained.

“It’s not my choice, Doctor, it’s yours. But I think it's what she'd want.”

A tense silence filled the room for several moments as they stared at each other, broken suddenly by the voice of Jackie Tyler. “All right then, tea and sandwiches. Where can I set the tray?”


	5. Chapter 5

Both Rose and the Doctor spun around to look at Jackie, a loaded tea tray in her arms, looking at them expectantly as she waited for their reply.

“Thanks, Mum, just set it there,” Rose replied, gesturing towards a rolling dinner cart stowed in the corner of the room. She glanced at the Doctor briefly, then back at her mother. “I don’t think the Doctor has time for tea right now.”

The Doctor straightened his slumped posture with renewed energy. “Not much time, no, but I’ll toss back a quick cup.” He walked briskly to the dinner cart and arrived there half a moment before Jackie, scooping up the pot and a teacup before she’d even set the tray down. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jackie’s right about the tea being helpful. Focuses the mind, gets things firing.”

“Well, I like that,” Jackie frowned in annoyance. “Not even a thank you!”

“You’re being rude again, Doctor,” Rose said.

“Manners aren’t exactly high on my list of priorities right now, thanks.” He finished pouring, then diluted the tea with milk to cool it down, tossing it back in a few gulps.

Rose restrained a grin of amusement. “Right, that’s the closest thing to a thank you you’re gonna get right now, Mum.”

Jackie crossed her arms. “Well, it’s not like I’m surprised. You’d think he were raised by wolves or something.”

The Doctor set the cup down and swiped a hand across his mouth, then turned to Jackie, grabbing her shoulders and speaking rapidly. “Right, sorry—thank you, Jackie, tea was lovely. Now, I’m a bit busy, so if you plan to stay, you need to be quiet.” He turned and moved quickly to Donna’s side.

“Oh, a thank you after all,” Jackie said sarcastically.

“Guess, I was wrong,” Rose smirked.

“Shush!” said the Doctor.

Rose joined the Doctor beside Donna’s bed, speaking as softly as possible. “Is there anything I can do to help? Or do you just need quiet?”

The Doctor leaned over and muttered, “I don’t really need quiet, I just wanted her to shut up.”

“Right. ‘Course.” An amused smile played at her lips. “So what do you need then?”

He looked at her. “Well, first thing I have to do is break the link between Donna and my other self. I need Donna’s head as clear as possible, and the link could create some confusing strands in her subconscious that might make it more difficult when trying to find a part of Donna I can interact with. Problem is, I’m not sure how the other me is going to react. He might remain unconscious, he might wake up, be confused, be totally aware—I don’t know. I don’t think he’s at risk, since it’s only a link and not a bond, but there’s a chance that if he wakes up confused, he could become aggressive, maybe even violent, so I need you to keep an eye on him, and have a sedative ready. Most importantly, I need you to keep him from interfering with what I’m doing. If he disrupts the telepathic event while we’re trying to form a bond, the trauma could damage Donna’s fragile mind beyond repair.”

Rose nodded. “How long is this gonna take? Is it dangerous—I mean, for you?”

“I’ll be fine. I’m not sure how long it will take, but it could be a while. That’s a Time Lord consciousness spinning around in her head, there’s going to be a lot to wade through. It could be hours, could be just a few minutes. But I’ll be in complete control, so however long it takes, rest assured I’m in no danger. Now get the sedative ready.”

“Right. Sedative.” She rummaged through the cupboards until she found what she needed, then returned to the beds. She couldn’t help flashing a little smile. “Okay. I’m about to supervise an unplanned telepathy session that could potentially turn violent, armed with nothing but a syringe and my favorite boots. A bit like old times, eh Doctor? Never a dull moment with you.”

“Oh yes!” he grinned back. “Right, now, we all set? Jackie, quiet? Rose, er… stabby? No, that sounds awful. Pokey? Sticky? Pricky? No… injecty?”

“Yes, Doctor, we get the picture,” Rose said impatiently.

“Right, 'course. Okay, everybody ready? Allons-y!”


	6. Chapter 6

The moment the Doctor put his hands on Donna Noble’s temples, he felt his mind expand and the physical world around him faded away. It had been a long time since he’d entered an unconscious mind, and he had forgotten just how chaotic and overwhelming an experience it could be under the best of circumstances. But Donna’s mind was far worse than anything he’d ever felt. He was surrounded by slashes of color, bright, blinding sparks, and painfully discordant noises scraping and shrieking all around him. The mental space seemed to expand and contract cyclically, first feeling ominously vast, then crushingly small. All his senses were being bombarded by an onslaught of unrestrained mental activity. It was like being incessantly pounded on all sides with a slew of rubber mallets.

Desperate to attain some level of control, he surrounded his mind with a protective, transparent bubble. Now he could see the mental activity without feeling or hearing it.

He took several moments, just watching the overwhelming swirl of colors, periodically slashed through by some invisible force, the colors shattering into brilliant sparks of white light. There were electric blue strands whipping about wildly, flailing in all directions without any form or structure.

Oh Donna… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Turning his thoughts inward, the Doctor imagined himself standing in that space, inside his bubble. A mental construct formed around his mind and he found himself in Donna’s head space, now with a body. He was standing inside his bubble while Donna’s brain activity swirled all around him.

He couldn’t calm Donna’s mind without the bond, but he needed to find a way to wade through the chaos and find the link to his other self. The Doctor imagined a high brick wall, five feet thick, cutting through all the manic churning waves of her thoughts. He then imagined a pathway along the top of the wall, and he imagined himself on that pathway. Now he was looking down at the mass of color and electricity instead of being surrounded by it.

The wall threaded through the sea of thoughts, colors and sparks lapping at his feet like waves as he walked briskly along the path. He was looking for something different. Something that was at least part Time Lord. He wasn’t quite sure what it would look like, since the other Doctor was part human, but he was certain he’d know it when he saw it.

And there it was. An orb glowing gold, floating in the colorful waves, leaving a trail of weightless, sparkling dust in its wake. The Doctor imagined his wall path veering towards the golden orb, and the path obeyed. As he got closer to it, its size increased until it was about the same size as his own bubble.

The orb rolled up onto the wall path, and the Doctor pulled out his imaginary sonic screwdriver, aiming it at the orb and pressing the button. It trembled, then split open, a gush of thick, translucent liquid spilling out. The membranous walls of the orb curled open, revealing the duplicate Doctor curled up inside, soaking wet, naked and unconscious. He had his hands over his ears, knees pulled up tight to his chest, facial expression strained. It was clear he had been trying to protect himself from Donna’s breakdown, but the intensity and suddenness of the attack had left him with very little control. Instead of merely protecting himself, he had attempted to close himself off completely by burrowing into the recesses of his own mind.

Compassion and empathy washed over the Doctor as he stared down at himself—a weaker self, thrust into a strange body like no other, completely unique. Part Time Lord, part human. Mortal. He shuddered at the thought, instantly feeling both ashamed of his fear of death, and relieved to be his fully Time Lord self, still able to regenerate. This other him, the him that shouldn’t exist, had an unimaginable road ahead. Though he would have Rose to help him. The Doctor would make sure of that. He felt empty at the thought. It was the life he feared the most, but also the one he longed for and could never have. A single short lifetime with Rose Tyler.

But the thought of losing her again… he could never put himself through that again. Better that she stay safe, happy with his other self, who could give her the life he never could. Her happiness would be enough for him. It had to be.

He shook away the distracting thoughts and focused on the task at hand. First he made his bubble expand to wrap around his duplicate, extending the protection to his counterpart. Then he bent over and thumped him lightly on the head. “Oi, sleepyhead! It’s your wake-up call.”

The duplicate Doctor flinched awake, rolling over and rubbing the spot his counterpart had swatted. “Ah! What was that for? Ever heard of a gentle tap on the shoulder? As if my head didn’t hurt enough already.” He slowly eased himself up into a sitting position, looking at the madness surrounding them. “Looks about the same as it did last time I saw it. Blimey, Donna…” He slowly shook his head in horrified amazement.

“How much of this is you?” the Time Lord Doctor asked.

His counterpart pushed himself up onto his feet with a groan. “Hard to say. It’s such a mess in here, it’s hard to know where Donna ends and I begin. It was too much for me. I didn’t even realize we were linked until her mind started going bonkers. I couldn’t control it, so I hid. Didn’t know what else to do, but I figured you’d find me eventually.” As the duplicate Doctor spoke, the Time Lord Doctor glanced at him, looking him up and down briefly, then dug into his imaginary pockets and pulled out a huge towel, handing it over. “Thanks,” said the other Doctor, drying himself and wrapping up. “You don’t seem surprised to see me.” There was a pause. “So you’re here to sever her Time Lord consciousness and destroy her memories?” His voice sounded tight. Pained but resolute.

“I’d like to avoid that if at all possible,” the Time Lord replied flatly.

The duplicate Doctor looked incredulous. “What? How? Look at her head space. She’s melting down as we speak.”

“I need to sever your link with Donna so that I can get your brain activity out of her head and sort through this mess. I have to find her.” He paused, holding his breath, then exhaled slowly. “I’m going to form a bond. I can carry her consciousness and protect her. She won’t have to lose her memories because they’ll be safe inside my head.”

The other Doctor gaped at him. “You’re not serious.”

“Deadly serious.” He furrowed his brow. “And how did you not know you had a link to Donna?”

“Don’t change the subject—if you get too deep inside her head and she crashes, you’ll crash with her. Your mind will crack, you’ll go insane. You can’t!” He threw out a hand in exasperation, using the other hand to grab at the back of his neck.

“Well if you know it, I know it.” The Time Lord glanced at him. “It’s a risk I’ve got to take. All this happening to Donna, it’s my fault.” He looked away. There was a lengthy pause. He knew his duplicate felt every bit as guilty, even if the bulk of the guilt really rested on the Time Lord’s shoulders. If he hadn’t been so eager to show off, and stay as Rose remembered him, none of this would have happened.

Then again, if he hadn’t inadvertently caused the metacrisis, every universe in existence would have been destroyed. The cost of saving them was excruciatingly high.

He looked at the part human Doctor again. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I already had bits of Donna in my head from the Metacrisis, maybe that shielded it. I wasn’t exactly expecting there to be a link. And we were all a bit busy.” He looked thoughtful. Apprehensive. “Doctor, does Rose know? The risks, I mean?”

The Time Lord’s silence spoke volumes.

“You didn’t tell her,” the part human Doctor announced, voice calm but laced with accusation and disapproval.

There was a pause before the original Doctor spoke, averting his gaze. “I told her I’d be safe. That I’d be in total control.”

The duplicate Doctor’s face darkened and his voice rose in anger. “You lied to her?”

“I had to. She would have stopped me if I’d told her the truth. But I owe it to Donna to try to save as much of her as I can right now. She’s in this mess because of me.”

“Because of both of us,” the part human Doctor added hastily, crossing his arms. The Time Lord Doctor looked into his alternate’s face, reading guilt and sadness in his eyes—a look he was certainly mirroring. He looked away again. “At least let me do it,” the part human Doctor said after a moment.

The Time Lord looked at him pointedly. “You can’t. Your brain couldn’t handle it.”

“I’m still you, if you can handle it, so can I. And I’m the one who shouldn’t even exist, if my consciousness collapses inside her head, at least the universe would be back where it started.”

“Oh don’t be so thick. Look at you. You couldn’t even handle a link, and you think a bond will be no problem?” The part human Doctor looked like he’d been slapped. The Time Lord softened his tone. “I have to do this. There isn’t another way. And we’re wasting time.”

“What about Rose?”

“What about her?”

“She deserves to know the risks. You shouldn’t have lied.”

The Time Lord looked down with a sigh. “I know. I didn’t know what else to do.” There was a lengthy pause. “Tell her for me. Tell her I’m sorry.” He looked up at his duplicate, his gaze boring intensely into his eyes. “And whatever happens, don’t let her stop me.”

The part human Doctor didn’t reply, his mouth a grim line, his eyes dark and his brow creased with conflicting emotions.

The Time Lord turned and stepped close to his other self, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be back soon.” With that, he reached up and placed his hands on the duplicate’s temples and watched him fade away.


	7. Chapter 7

“Allons-y!” the Doctor had said, right before turning to Donna, laying his fingers on her temples and closing his eyes. Instantly he let out a tight, ragged croak, then threw his head back, face contorted in an intense grimace before he slumped forward, still maintaining the connection, but looking deeply troubled.

Rose was about to go to him when the duplicate Doctor sat bolt upright in bed with a huge gasp, followed by a fit of coughing. She jumped with a startled yelp, then ran the two steps to his side and started patting him on the back. “Oh my God, you scared me! Are you okay? I’m so glad you’re awake!”

As the Doctor gained control of his coughing fit, his watery eyes widened with sudden anxiety. He started feeling himself all over, looking down to find himself still dressed, and muttering under his breath, “Oh, thank Rassilon.” A ragged sigh of relief escaped his lungs. “Yes, thank you, I’m okay. I’m fine.” He made sideways eye contact with Rose and sheepishly added, “For real this time.” Turning, he lowered his feet to the floor while remaining seated, and reached over to give her a hug, which she gladly melted into. The syringe slipped out of her hand and bounced off the mattress onto the floor. She ignored it, but the Doctor tipped his head out from behind her middle and looked down. “What’s that?”

Rose pulled away and stooped to pick it up. “The Doctor—the other Doctor—he thought you might wake up confused and become violent, so he had me keep it ready, you know, for self defense. Just a sedative.”

The part human Doctor half frowned and rolled his eyes slightly. “Oi. He’s paranoid, that one.”

“But you’re not? You’re him, after all. I mean, that’s whatcha said.”

“Well,” he drawled, but was interrupted as Jackie suddenly appeared at the other side of the bed with a glass of water.

“Here, Doctor, for that cough. Though you seem alright now.”

The Doctor was slow to switch gears, but his look of detached confusion gave way to a little smile of gratitude. He gave his head a little tip and took the glass. “Thanks, Jackie.” He set the water on the nightstand untasted and slapped his hands together, rubbing them back and forth. “I smell tea.”

“Sandwiches, too, if you’re hungry.”

“Oh, sandwiches! Very lovely, molto bene!”

Jackie headed for the dinner cart, muttering something about someone being much more polite.

Rose glanced apprehensively at the Time Lord Doctor. After his initial reaction to the telepathic entry, he had stilled and was maintaining the same position, a look of intense concentration on his face. It was far more extreme than any of the previous moments she’d seen him use telepathy. Other times, he was still halfway conscious of what was happening outside the mind. But this… this was all consuming. It worried her. I hope you know what you’re doing, Doctor…

She felt a tickle on her hand and turned back to the part human Doctor. He was hesitantly reaching out for her. As she turned, he pulled his hand away and looked down at his lap. “Sorry… I guess I keep forgetting I’m not him too.”

Rose’s smile was tinged with uncertainty, but she reached out and took his hand. He looked back up. “You are him. Remember?”

His half smile was bittersweet as he rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

Jackie brought the Doctor his refreshments. “I think I might go call Pete, I want to hear his voice. And little Tony’s.”

The Doctor smiled. “Oh, right! You were having a baby! Tony, is it?”

Jackie beamed, “Yeah, he’s my little man!”

“Well, that’s lovely. Congratulations. Wonderful.” His smile was soft and genuine.

Jackie blessed him with one of her sweeter, softer smiles—the ones that reminded him she was Rose’s mum. “Thanks, Doctor. Now, won’t be two ticks. You two need anything, give me a shout.”

“Right, Mum. Thanks.” Rose called after her as she left the room.

The duplicate Doctor took a bite of his sandwich—tomato and cheese on five seed… no, six seed bread… I don’t think like it—and glanced over at his Time Lord counterpart, forcing himself to swallow as he set his tea and sandwich next to the water and looked back at Rose. “How long did it take me to wake up? I mean, after he…” he nodded toward the Time Lord.

Rose shook her head. “No time at all. As soon as the Doctor—the other Doctor I mean—as soon as he made contact you woke up.”

He raised an eyebrow and frowned, looking back at his other self for a few silent moments. “You keep saying that. The other Doctor.”

“Trying not to be confusing I guess. Or maybe just trying to keep it straight in my own head. Hard enough keeping track of identical twins, but sharing a name too?” A smile hinted at the corner of her mouth, but the Doctor remained sober-faced.

“If anyone’s the other Doctor, it’s me. I shouldn’t even exist.” His voice was even, matter of fact and unwavering, but there was conflict in his eyes. “I’m not right.”

And what’s that look… fear? She squeezed his hand. “But you’re both, you know, you. You’re both different from the first man I met, but you’re somehow still him. New new Doctor, and new new new Doctor.” She hesitated. “Mind you, it is a bit weird, but when has anything about you been average?” This time she gave him a big, tongue touched grin.

He felt himself turning to jelly inside. If she only knew the power that smile had over him. Rose Tyler. Give me that smile and the whole wide universe is yours. Despite himself, an open-mouthed smile spread slowly across his face. But the smile began to fade and he looked down at his lap again. 

“What is it?” She frowned.

“Rose, there’s something…” he looked away from his lap long enough to toss his head in the Time Lord’s direction before looking down again. “Him,” he said pointedly. “The original Doctor. There’s something he didn’t tell you.”

Rose felt her face blanch and she instinctively took a step back, apprehensive.

“I spoke with him, inside Donna’s head.”

Her brow creased in confusion. “How is that possible? You woke up as soon as he connected. There wasn’t time.”

“Things move more quickly inside the mind. I wasn’t sure how much faster, since it varies from person to person. Generally it relates to how active that mind is. That’s why I asked you how long it was before I woke up. But like you said, it was instantaneous, which means things are moving at massive speed inside Donna’s head.”

“So what about it, what does that mean?” Rose’s hand slipped free of the Doctor’s hand as she wrapped her arms protectively around herself.

The Doctor clenched his now empty hand into a tight fist, running his other hand back and forth through his hair, making it even more crazy than it already was. “Well, it means a couple of things. One, Donna’s mind is caving in, fast. She won’t be able to hold on much longer.”

Rose hunched her shoulders, expression taut and guarded. “What’s the other thing?”

The Doctor sighed. “Well, that’s the part he didn’t tell you. But first, let me explain. He did it to protect Donna, he couldn’t see another way. And he asked me to tell you he’s sorry.”

Rose was beginning to feel exasperated. “For what?” she snapped. “Sorry for what?”

“Rose, he’s in danger. What he’s doing… it’s a big risk.”

“What?” she croaked. “What risk? He said it was safe, that he’d be in control. He’ll be fine.” Despite herself, she felt her eyes growing hot and her throat tightening. She swallowed thickly.

Instinctively, the Doctor reached an arm out for her shoulder to pull her into a comforting hug, but she stepped back. He cringed inwardly and grabbed the back of his neck, massaging it fiercely while staring at the ceiling. “He said that to—” he broke off with a sigh, rethinking his words. “…He was afraid you might try to stop him if you knew the risks.”

“What risks?” Rose was almost shouting in frustration. “Just tell me!”

“He’s going so deep into her mind, he might not make it back out again.”

Dread bloomed across Rose’s face. “What?” she finally said in a strained, thin voice—almost a whisper.

“Donna’s mind is collapsing. If he can’t stop it, it will crush him. His mind… the damage would be severe. It might even kill him.”

The feeling of dread was spreading through her body, and she felt herself shaking. “It’s alright though, yeah? I mean… it would be bad, but he could always regenerate…”

The Doctor looked pained as he shook his head. “No. Not with something like this. It would be too fast, too complete. Time Lords can cheat death, but they can’t stop it if they’re overcome before the regeneration energy has time to fully develop.”

Rose hugged herself tighter, suddenly feeling cold. Her voice was trembling, and infuriatingly she felt hot tears slip down her cheeks. “No. No, he said he’d be safe. He’s thought of something. I trust him.” 

The Doctor’s face fell. “But you don’t trust me?” Rose looked away, but said nothing. He scrubbed his face with his hands before tossing them up with a shrug of frustrated resignation. “Right.”

Of course she doesn’t. I’m the other one. Secondary. Superfluous. Problematic. Complicated, certainly. I’m me, but not me. Part human. Mostly the same, but just different enough. What did she call us? Identical twins? A single embryo, divided in two, yet each a completely different entity. Not at all like a metacrisis event. We’re the same. The same, the same, the same.

But not the same. She even said it, we’re different from the Doctor she first met, but somehow still him. Metacrisis is self division, but new experiences, new perspectives, new stimulation… I’m already a completely new man. Not the same. Just similar.

He became aware that Rose was speaking to him, and his head snapped up to look at her.

“Doctor?”

“Yeah,” he said raggedly.

“I… think we should stop him.”

He shook his head grimly. “We can’t.” Her gaze bored into him, but she didn’t respond. “He’s already in too deep. Remember how fast things are moving inside her head. He’s hurtling through nine hundred years of Time Lord consciousness at breakneck speed. If he broke contact without working his way back out, his lifeline back to himself would break and he’d be trapped inside her head. Like a string wound around a tree branch over and over, if you just pull on it, that part of the string would break, leaving the rest of the string behind. And it would hurt Donna as well. It could break her mind permanently, maybe even kill her.”

She choked down a sob, turning away from him to look at the Time Lord Doctor, staring at his troubled face. “Please, Doctor,” she said. “Not feeling much hope. Tell me it’s gonna be okay. Tell me there’s a chance.”

The part human Doctor wasn’t sure which of them she was speaking to. He walked up behind her and gently brushed her arm with his hand. She turned and buried herself in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace.

“Isn’t there something we can do? Some way we can help?” she whispered into him, almost inaudibly.

“Nothing to do but wait,” he sounded gravelly and defeated. “I’m sorry, Rose.”


	8. Chapter 8

As soon as the Time Lord’s duplicate disappeared from Donna’s head, the sea of electric color calmed down some. It seemed his presence—or perhaps the combined presence of both of them—had aggravated her already tumultuous mind. Now the colors were swirling about, but there were fewer sparks, and the whipping electrical strands had slowed down to a slither. But her mind was still in a dangerous state, still thoroughly marred by chaos and loss of control. He needed to hurry.

The Doctor began working to tame her mental activity. He raised his hands slowly, palms up, and all the blue colors pulled away and rose above the churning sea. He then pulled them into a tight ball and encased them in a globular shell of pearlescent membrane. This he set aside, then turned and did the same with each of the other colors in the sea—the full spectrum of color as seen by human eyes, plus other colors that humans are physically incapable of seeing, but are completely familiar to a Time Lord’s eye. The Doctor knew this was part of the Time Lord consciousness that was ravaging her brain. These colors he gathered up and separated from the rest. He strongly suspected that Donna would not be hiding within them. Being nearby would be too painful.

He raised his arms again, and the pearlescent globes of human color climbed into the air and spun about him, like planets orbiting a star. To either side of the wall path, all that remained where the sea of color had been were the snaking electrical lines, trailing off into empty blackness as far as he could see, seemingly without beginning or end. The Doctor pushed his hands out, and the lines recoiled, leaving a massive empty space in the blackness.

Now he took each globe, one at a time, and threw them into the black emptiness. They landed in a neat row, and each one slowly mutated into a large rectangular building, very ordinary in appearance—almost like warehouses. Each had a door, but no windows, and they remained the same pearlescent color they had been before.

The Doctor beckoned, and the blue lines returned to the clearing, each one connecting with a different building and fusing with it. The cracks under the doors all lit up.

Well, that’s a start, I suppose.

He turned back to the collection of Time Lord colors and pulled them together until they shrunk down, each about the size of a snooker ball. He placed them in his bigger-on-the-inside pockets, then turned to the warehouses of Donna’s mind. The wall path slowly descended and disappeared into the black, intangible floor.

The Doctor adjusted the shoulders of his long brown coat and straightened his tie with a little sniff of determination, then went toward the first building. A purple light was spilling out from the crack under the door, which he boldly opened and stepped inside.

————–

The Duplicate Doctor had climbed back into his bed and was sitting cross-legged at the head, while Rose mirrored his position at the foot, clutching the bed pillow tightly in her arms. Their shoes were kicked off onto the floor, and Rose had taken off her leather jacket, draping it across the bed behind her. Beside them was the dinner cart, two teacups poured and half cold, the already unappealing sandwiches growing stale around the edges.

They hadn’t said much since he’d led her over to the bed to sit and brought her the tea, which she sipped once and then set down, where it remained untouched. She kept looking at the Time Lord Doctor. Sometimes a quick glance, sometimes staring for several minutes. The part human Doctor just watched her, feeling uncharacteristically lost for words. Occasionally he would glance at Donna’s readings to make sure things were stable. He noticed her vital signs had normalized some.

“She’s doing better,” he said tentatively to Rose as she stared at the Time Lord Doctor sitting in the other bed. “I think… maybe I was upsetting her, being in her head. Maybe the Doctor has more time than I thought. Remember, the more active the mind, the faster things move inside it. If her mind has calmed down, it stands to reason it would take longer there, which means it would take longer here, too.”

Rose slowly nodded, then looked back at the part human Doctor. “Let’s hope you’re right, Doctor,” she said.

His heart swelled slightly. Despite any confusion or doubt, she still called him Doctor. Of course it could be out of habit. They had the same face after all. But it made him feel better all the same. There was so much to get used to with all these changes, it was good to have at least one constant. His identity was enigmatic at best, but he felt like the Doctor, and it didn’t feel right to be thought of as anyone else.

He reached up and put his hand on his chest, only half aware of his actions. He’d done it several times since the metacrisis event. It felt so strange when he let himself focus on it. The single heartbeat of a human. So hollow and lonely and insecure. It matched his state of mind too well.

“The Doctor told me you’ve only got one heart.”

He looked up sharply and saw she was watching him. Flushing slightly, he hastily took his hand away from his chest and scratched the back of his head. “Well…” he trailed off.

“Part human.” She picked absentmindedly at the corner of the pillow, her gaze shifting away to the wall behind him. “God, that’s gotta be weird.”

The Doctor tossed his head sideways. “Yeah. Well, like I said. Feels a bit weird.”

“But you feel alright.” It was more of a question than a statement.

He scrunched his mouth in a thoughtful frown, eyebrows high. “Yeah… yeah, I think so, yeah… different though. This one heartbeat thing, gonna take some getting used to. Feels kinda slow, kinda heavy.” He paused. “You know when you have the hiccups?”

“Yeah.” She tucked hair away from her eyes.

“And when you’re about to hiccup, you can feel it, building in your chest. You can sort of anticipate the hiccup, and you can tell it’s gonna come, any minute now, here it comes…” His face was intense and his bottom lip was sticking out a bit as he drew out the words slowly.

She couldn’t stop the smile playing at the corner of her lips. “Yeah, I hate that.”

“Well, it’s a little like that, except the hiccup never comes. Or in this case, the other heartbeat.”

Rose half-frowned. “Maybe you’ll get used to it though. I mean what feels different now will probably feel familiar eventually, and you’ve got hundreds of years to adjust. Or who knows, maybe you’ll get your other heart back next time you regenerate.” She smiled encouragingly.

The Doctor’s mouth went dry. He attempted a sticky swallow. “Rose… Didn’t he tell you?”

She furrowed her brow. “Tell me what? …I mean, all he said was you were part human, that Donna, some of her DNA went into you.”

The Doctor clenched his teeth in muted vexation. “Oi, I get to deliver all the fun news today!”

Rose sat up straight, an irritated expression on her face. “Oh, for god’s sake, what didn’t he tell me this time?”

“I’m part human, Rose…” he paused and waited for a response, but she still looked uncertain. “I’ll never regenerate. I’ll grow old and die, just like every other human.”

She stared at him blankly, waiting for it to sink in. Finally she spoke. “You’ll grow old, like me?”

“Like you.”

Another moment of silence, then suddenly she started laughing. It wasn’t an unkind laugh. Sort of a soft, warm chuckle, which she quickly tried to stifle. “Oh Doctor. Sorry… er, welcome to humanity.” She slapped her forhead. “I can’t believe I didn’t put that together, seems sort of obvious.” She noticed a puzzled and mildly hurt look on his face. Taking pity, she reached across the bed and took his hand. “I’m sorry, Doctor. But it is a little hard to pity you. I mean nine hundred years? We humans are lucky if we make it to one hundred.”

He frowned. “Well, it doesn’t seem that long when you’re on the other side of those nine hundred years,” he said pathetically.

She smiled more gently and gave his hand a little squeeze. “I guess when you put it like that, I sort of see what you mean. I mean, everyone always says time moves faster the older you get. After nine hundred years, it must feel like flying.” He gave her a wry smile and squeezed back, but still looked forlorn. She crawled across the bed and pushed her way into the space next to him, and he scooted over to make room as she wrapped her arms around him. 

He leaned over and rested his head against her, taking a deep breath through his nose. His sense of smell wasn’t as keen as it once was, but she still smelled more wonderful than anything he’d ever smelled in his nine hundred years traveling through all of time and space. He closed his eyes and savored the feel of her arms around him, the feel of her nose as she lowered her face into his hair briefly, the feel of the chaste little kiss on the head that she blessed him with. However quickly time moved at his age, he wanted this moment to stand still forever.


	9. Chapter 9

Huddled on the floor before the Doctor, rocking back and forth with her hands over her ears and her eyes shut tight in the flickering purple glow, was a little girl. She was crying bitterly, tears collecting on her thick eyelashes and sliding down her raw red cheeks. The Doctor felt a stab of distress in his hearts and quickly went to her, using his mind to wrap them both inside the protective bubble, shutting out what remained of the sensory chaos around them. Although he had found the new state of her mind more tolerable, it was apparently still too much for her human brain.

He bent down and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her hands away from her ears and whispering soothing words in his native tongue. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at him, then wiped the wetness from her face and pulled away to stand. He stood as well, his hand on her shoulder, unable to suppress his fatherly instincts towards this pale, frightened child, despite the fact that he knew she was just a construct of Donna’s fractured mind. She was looking up at him, her expression inscrutable as she studied him. He inspected her carefully, wondering briefly if this childhood version of Donna recognized him as he struggled to see the Donna he knew in this little child’s artless face.

He guessed her to be around seven years old. She had thick bangs, and her long, reddish hair—more of a dark magenta under these lights—was pulled into tight pigtails with satin ribbons. She wore an a-line frock with a 1970s floral pattern, dark t-bar flats, and white socks that were folded over. The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at her, head slightly askew as he took her in. He hadn’t quite expected to encounter Donna as a child, and he definitely was surprised to have found her so quickly. She stared right back at him, pale eyes curious but relatively distant, and an expression that conveyed no readable emotion.

After an indeterminate amount of time had passed, the little girl spoke. “Well? Aren’t you going to say something?”

The Doctor hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until he exhaled sharply. “Right. Well. For once, I’m not sure what to say.”

The child Donna laughed melodically, a tinkling wind-chime in the light summer breeze. “No way. I can’t quite imagine the Doctor with no words.” She smiled slightly, and finally the Doctor recognized the Donna he knew and loved. That affectionate but mildly supercilious smile she so often bestowed right before calling him a dunce. Strangely, it soothed him. “Well then, how is he?” She had that Earth to Doctor look on her face.

He was struck by how much this little girl Donna sounded just like his Donna. Even as a little girl, she was taking control. It was a trait that exasperated him when he’d first met her, but he had come to deeply admire her for it as their relationship deepened and matured. She had come into his life at a time when he needed her—her specifically, not just anyone. He had changed so much since losing Rose. Martha had felt the worst of it, and he would always feel a sharp pang of guilt when he thought of how drastically her life changed when he’d entered it—maybe for the worse, though she’d never see it that way. He briefly wondered what sort of man he would be right now if Rose had never been torn away from him so violently. It was like someone had ripped off part of his body and threw it into the void, leaving him maimed and broken and helpless.

The Doctor gave his head a nearly imperceptible shake to clear his thoughts. “He feels guilty. He was in a lot of pain, but I’m sure he feels better now that he’s out of your head.”

The little Donna glanced away, looking a bit sad as she folded into herself, arms wrapping around her middle. “I never meant to hurt him…” 

“He’s fine now, sweetheart,” he reassured.

She looked back at the Doctor. “How do you do it? How do you keep all this flying around in your head without it driving you mad?”

The Doctor smirked. “Maybe I am mad.”

This elicited a light, tinkling giggle from the little Donna and she rolled her eyes. “Without it making you madder then?”

He pulled a hand free from his pocket and scratched the back of his head. “Balloon brain. Time Lord brains, they can sorta grow and stretch to make room for all that extra knowledge and… timey-wimey stuff. Human brains, not so much. That’s why…”

“…The two-way human-Time Lord metacrisis is impossible,” she finished. It sounded ridiculous coming out of that tiny human mouth, the high, mousy voice squeaking against the word metacrisis.

“Your mind is burning up, Donna. The Time Lord consciousness, it might not drive me mad, but it will you.” Even as he said it, he wondered if it was too much, too plain and frank, for this young version of Donna to handle. But she stood before him rather calmly. His thoughts turned towards her childhood. He realized he knew very little of her upbringing. Just a few things she’d mentioned in passing. It wasn’t a part of her life she seemed particularly eager to dwell on. And yet, here she was in childhood form. This was the version of herself she had chosen to present to him.

Her voice broke into his thoughts.

“I know,” she replied, resolute and dry eyed, but with a fearful, sad curve in her brow.

“But there’s a way to save you.”

“I know that, too. Part Time Lord, remember?” Now her eyes began to glisten with moisture, and her bottom lip trembled. “Please don’t. Please. I can’t go back.” A tear slid down her cheek.

The Doctor knelt down and took Little Donna’s hand. “There’s another way, sweetheart.”

Little Donna stared at him, wide-eyed, a slight spark of hope in her big, round eyes.

It was at this moment that the Doctor hesitated, realizing he wasn’t sure how to explain the telepathic bond to a seven year old human child. He chewed silently on his words, head tilted to the side as he groped for an accurate simplification before he realized he was losing sight of the fact that this was his Donna, even though she seemed like an innocent little child. She would understand.

“If you would be willing, I could form a telepathic bond with you. It would be a little like sharing a mind. Remember how I said Time Lord brains are like balloons, stretching to make room for more knowledge? If we shared a bond, I could take on your Time Lord consciousness and carry it as my own. My brain would just stretch to make room. Then I wouldn’t have to…”

“…Make me go back.” Fresh tears formed in her eyes and she smiled hopefully. “Oh yes, please!”

“But wait, Donna,” he continued hastily. “It would mean we would share a mind. We’d be in each other’s heads constantly. There are ways to create boundaries, but I would always be inside your head, and you’d always be inside mine. A bond, it’s more than just a link, like what you and my duplicate had. This is more like fusion.”

Little Donna laughed musically. “Doctor, why would I ever choose to forget the best time of my life over sharing a mind with the best person I’ve ever known?”

The Doctor’s hearts swelled and he felt a lump forming in his throat. He hadn’t realized how much he desperately worried she would say no. How frightened he was that despite all his hopes, he would still have to wipe her slate clean and send her home as if they had never met. She was his best friend. It was bad enough having to say goodbye to Rose again, but losing Donna too might break him.

“There’s only one problem,” she said.

He frowned apprehensively. “Problem?”

“I’m just a piece.”

“A piece?”

“There are others. We need to find the others.”

The Doctor blinked, raising his eyebrows. “The others.”

“Yes. The other Donnas.”

Rose and the part human Doctor had begun slipping towards drowsiness when Jackie Tyler burst loudly into the room. They both sat up with a start from their half-reclined positions as she spoke. “We’re at the beach! We’re at the bloody beach!” And she didn’t seem happy about it.

“The beach, what d'you mean the beach?” Rose was already slipping off the infirmary bed as she spoke.

“The bloody beach in Norway!”

The duplicate Doctor’s eyebrows shot up and he froze just as his feet hit the floor. “Bad Wolf Bay?” he cried, incredulous.

“Mum, are you sure?” Rose pushed her hair out of her face as she slipped her feet back into her boots. The Doctor did the opposite, peeling off his socks instead and then running for the door. Rose followed close behind, not bothering to tie her laces.

“Of course I’m sure!” Jackie cried as she bolted down the hall after them. “I think I know a beach when I see one! And it’s not like I’m gonna forget what this one looks like!”

They flew through the console room and burst out the TARDIS twin doors. Cold, damp air bit sharply at their faces, and a strong gust of wind blew their hair about. The rushing sound of the sea rolled rhythmically in the background. They could hear the cry of sea birds, and the air was ripe with the smell of sand, salt, seashells, and wet wood. The view of the sand, the ocean glimmering in the high sun, the black rocks beaten relentlessly by the powerful waves… it was all too overwhelming for words, both breathtaking in it’s unrivaled beauty, and horrifying in the sudden grip it had them in, pulling them back in time to the worst day of their lives.

Jackie broke the awful silence. “I was just talking to Pete, telling him what happened, and he wanted to send a car to pick us up. I sorta realized I didn’t know where we were, so I just popped out to have a look. Why on Earth would the Doctor bring us to bloody Norway?”

The Doctor and Rose just stood there, staring.


	10. Chapter 10

Jackie stuffed the mobile into her coat pocket and walked back to where the Doctor and Rose were still standing, staring at the rolling crash of the waves. “Pete says he couldn’t arrange transportation for us until tomorrow. He’s making reservations for us at a local hotel. We’ll get a zeppelin back in the morning.”

Rose broke her gaze away from the sea and turned to her mother. “Mum… I’m not going back. I’m with the Doctor now.” She glanced at the part human Doctor, still staring out at the waves. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and the strong ocean breeze was ruffling his hair and the collar of his blue pinstriped jacket.

“She means for me, I think.” He turned to look at them. “He’s booking another room for me. Unless I’m mistaken.”

Jackie just nodded. She opened her mouth to say something to the Doctor, then seemed to think better of it. Instead, she stepped closer to Rose and took her hand. “Sweetheart, I know you want to be with the Doctor. I came to terms with that a long time ago…” she hesitated, then nudged her head in the duplicate’s direction. “But what about him?” She lowered her voice. “You and the Doctor… and him. How’s that supposed to work?” She gave Rose’s hand a little squeeze, then buried her hands deep in her pockets. “Anyway, I wasn’t sure if he was staying here or not, so I just told Pete to book an extra room, just in case.”

Rose felt an uncomfortable tension building inside her chest. She glanced between Jackie and the Doctor. He was just standing there, shoulders sagging, eyes fixed firmly on the smooth wet sand. He looked so lost. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about the complications of a divided Time Lord, and the impact that would have on a relationship that had previously only been between two people. Once again she was struck by how alike they were. Sometimes she forgot she wasn’t talking to the Time Lord Doctor when she was with him. It occurred to her that more often than not, when she consciously noticed a difference between the two, it was when she was talking to the Proper Doctor. He had changed since she’d been gone. He seemed so much darker, so heavy hearted and sad and guarded. She didn’t have the vanity to assume it had everything to do with him losing her, but she did wonder how much of this was her fault.

But when she looked at the part human Doctor, she just saw the Doctor. He seemed much more himself. More comfortable, more happy and carefree. Just like she remembered him.

Or maybe her memory had been skewed. Maybe she’d just chosen to remember the best bits. She forced herself to think about the times when she had glimpsed that darkness. Most of those memories were of the Doctor in the black leather coat. She had seen it after his regeneration, but he had mostly left that darkness behind the moment she said yes to staying with him after he’d changed.

But if this new Doctor really was him, with the same memories and feelings and thoughts, why was he so different? Whatever had changed the Proper Doctor should logically have transferred over to this new extension of himself. But somehow it hadn’t. Or at least she hadn’t seen it yet.

She sighed, studying her shoes. “I’m sure the Doctor—the other Doctor—wouldn’t just leave you here.”

“Yes he would. He will. And…” he stopped himself, taking a step closer to Rose and reaching out a tentative hand to touch her elbow lightly. He looked as if he had more to say, but he couldn’t seem to come up with any words.

“No, I won’t let him. He can’t just leave you here, on your own. I promised him I’d never leave him, but… if… you really are him, I won’t leave you either.”

“Rose… you won’t be the one doing the leaving.”

Her face twisted in confusion. “What?”

“He’s going to leave us both. Together.”

Her face darkened and she made a scoffing sound in her throat. “No. He wouldn’t.” She felt tears prick her eyes and choked on her words. “He wouldn’t.” She pulled away and took a step back. “How could you even say that!” 

The hurt in her voice knocked the wind out of him, and he instantly wished he could take back what he’d said. You dunce, what were you thinking? Too late now, better follow through or you’ll just make it worse. “I know what he’s thinking. What he’s feeling. I’m him, remember?”

Rose looked thoroughly crushed. “Are you saying… you’re leaving?” She choked back a sob, studying his face imploringly.

“No! Never! …Rose, please, you have to understand. I am him. But… say your life is like a big river. Everything you do, everything that happens, it flows down that river, and you stand on one side watching it happen. If you only ever stand on that one side of the river, you’re never going to see things differently. But Rose, I’ve stood on both sides. I’m the same man, but I see things differently, that’s all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? See what differently?”

“I mean I know what it’s like to see things from his side, and I know if that’s all I ever saw, that’s exactly what I would do. That’s how I know. He didn’t tell me, but I know. I know him. I am him. But now that I’m seeing things from a different vantage point…” He shook his head slowly. “I could never leave you, Rose. Not ever. Not unless you did the leaving.”

“So what are you getting at then, Doctor? Am I supposed to be taking sides now? Is this your way of trying to make me choose to leave him? Because I don’t believe you. I know the Doctor, and he would never leave me. Not ever!” She choked on a sob as she spoke, stabbing the air emphatically with her finger.

The Doctor sighed in frustration, ruffling his hair. “Rose, that’s exactly what I’m saying—I think you should make that choice for yourself. But I am telling you, he will make that choice for you, and the choice he will make is to leave you here with me, whether you want him to or not. He doesn’t think he could make you happy because he can’t give you a normal life.”

“Who says I want a normal life! I’ve never asked for that, not once! I just want to be with the Doctor, that’s all! Nothing else matters!”

“But Rose… You’ll grow old without him. He’ll have to watch you fade away and die.” His voice caught in his throat and he paused, composing himself. “You have no idea what that’s like, to watch that happen to the people you love, over and over and over…” He swallowed thickly. His eyes were glistening and his jaw clenched as he clamped down on his tongue to fight back tears. “His heart is breaking, whether or not he stays with you. Because he’s always going to lose you in the end. Either now or later. And it terrifies him. That’s why he runs away. And he’ll tell himself he’s not really leaving you, because I’ll be here. And I’m him.” She stared at him, tears streaming down. The Doctor fought his own tears, heart aching in his chest. He felt more empathy for the Time Lord Doctor than anyone else could. “He’s losing you.” His tears started to fall. “And it’s so much easier for him to do the leaving. Because he can always remember you happy and alive in that fantastic life he knows you deserve. He’s too afraid to face the agony of watching you grow old, live in pain and sickness until you die, leaving him alone with that being his final memory of you. Better to not know. Better to always think of you as being here, happy, with your family, with him… a version of him that’s meant to take the slow path.”

She stepped further away, backing up against the TARDIS. More tears slid down her cheeks and she wiped them away defensively and looked at anything by him. “I’ve got to go back to the Doctor, I can’t leave him alone in there. He might need me.” She stepped through the door and closed it behind her.

“Blimey, more than one Donna… how many of you are there?” The Time Lord Doctor scratched the back of his neck.

Little Donna started counting on her fingers. “Well, let’s see… there’s Teenage Donna, College Donna, Temp Donna, Soul Searching Donna, and Doctor Donna. So six of us.”

“Six Donnas,” he muttered, eyes bulging at the prospect. “Lookout, world. Well, any clue where to find them?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard,” Little Donna said. “You organized everything pretty well. There are six warehouses total, and each one has a different Donna in it. I’m not sure how much searching we’ll have to do, but we will definitely find them each in a different warehouse. You know, that was really a clever way to sort through this mess, by the way. You Time Lords have a knack for this telepathy thing. I’m impressed.”

“Well,” he drawled, a proud, self-satisfied smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I have had a lot of practice…” He adjusted his tie vainly.

“Oi, now I’ve done it,” Little Donna muttered. “Nevermind that, Space Man, forget I said anything. Let’s just go find me.”

“After you,” he said, opening the warehouse door. Little Donna walked out. Their protective bubble stretched to accommodate the distance between them, keeping Little Donna safe inside the boundary of the Doctor’s mind. He followed her out the door.

The other five warehouses were sprawled out before them, each with a different colored light spilling out from under the crack in the door. Yellow, blue, orange, red, and green. “Well, Donna? Where should we start? Does it matter?”

“We should go in order, of course,” she replied.

“So yellow then?”

“No, I mean in order of age. Teenage Donna is in the orange one.”

“Oh. Right. Orange it is then.” He furrowed his brow, looking down at the little girl. “How do you know she’s in the orange one?”

Little Donna sighed. “I just do. It’s my head, after all.”

“Okay. Your head. Good enough. Let’s be off, then.”

He followed Little Donna to the door and she turned the knob, slowly pushing through and stepping into the room, the Doctor close on her heels. The room was uncomfortably bright, and the orange was retina searing in its vivid saturation. He whipped out his sonic screwdriver and directed a pulse toward the membrane of their bubble. It darkened like a tinted window, softening the light and muting the color. “That’s better,” he said, flipping the sonic into the air and catching it with one hand before slipping it back into his pocket.

There was no sign of Teen Donna. There was no sign of anything. It was just vast and empty and endless. He turned around. The door seemed to be floating, with nothing behind it. Just the orange light, which flickered occasionally like a bad florescent.

“Well, Donna? Any ideas?”

“I think I’m supposed to do something,” she said, fidgeting with the skirt of her dress. “I’m not sure what. I’m certain she’s in here, but I need to get her out somehow. What do I do, Doctor?”

The Doctor scratched the back of his head. “Dunno… let me think. What are some of your memories from being a teenager? Maybe try pulling those up. It might create some sort of connection.” He rubbed his chin. “I wonder why I didn’t have to search for the childhood you, though. You were just there.”

Little Donna shrugged. “It’s harder for me to hide. Kids, you know, we’re all just one hundred percent ourselves. What you see is what you get.”

“Yeah, but you’re that way now.”

“Maybe… but I wasn’t as a teenager. Being a teenager—well, a human teenager… It’s like this: when you’re a kid, you know yourself so well, and you’re not afraid to just be who you are. You sorta lose sight of that as a teenager. Suddenly, for some reason, it matters what people think. And it takes awhile to get that sense of self back.”

“Ah… well then, let’s start looking.”

Little Donna closed her eyes and held out her hands. The flickering orange lights began to swirl and congeal into something cohesive, eventually forming an image. It was like an old Super 8 projection, flickering slightly as memories started to scroll past, most of them too quickly to fully absorb them. A Donna somewhat older than Little Donna, perhaps thirteen, looking uncomfortable and a little lost as she walked down the big school hallway, past lockers and a sea of other kids, mostly bigger and older than she was. A new scene, this time the thirteen year old Donna sitting alone on the steps in front of the school. Another girl walked up and began speaking to her. They smiled at each other. The scene flew past in a millisecond. Images of birthdays and Christmases, seaside holidays and lazy weekends. Donna looking bored as she was dragged through museums with the rest of her classmates. Now an older Donna, perhaps fifteen, sitting sullen-faced in her bedroom. The door was open and her mother was standing there, shouting at her. Donna’s face was partially concealed behind a huge 1980’s perm, but the Doctor could see tears sliding down her cheeks. She was clutching a pillow, her back to her mother, staring at the floor. He felt his heart clench tightly, and was relieved when the image faded into a new scene, this time Donna staring wistfully at a boy as he walked by. He looked at her and smiled, but didn’t stop to talk to her. Her friend leaned over and whispered something in her ear and Donna giggled. A new scene swirled into view. She was standing in a living room showing something to her father—the Doctor couldn’t tell what it was. He waved her away, staring at the telly. More images flew past, too many to count. Now Donna was at the top of a hill in the middle of the night, sitting on a blanket. Her granddad was sitting next to her. She was looking through a telescope, a blanket thrown over her shoulders, her warm breath steaming in the cold as she smiled. Her granddad was saying something and she laughed. He laughed too and reached for a thermos.

“That’s her,” Little Donna said. “That’s the real Donna.” Even as she spoke, the vast emptiness surrounding them suddenly solidified, and they were standing on the same hill. There was Teen Donna, still sitting on the blanket looking through the telescope. Her granddad was gone. She slowly leaned back from the eye piece and stood up, looking at the two of them.

The Doctor used his mind to draw her inside the protective bubble. She smiled at them, pulling the blanket tighter. Her hair was swept up into a tight ponytail with a bright, multicolored fabric hair tie, and her bangs formed a stiff claw around the top of her head. She was wearing way too much makeup, as teenagers often do. He caught a glimpse of her hot pink tee-shirt underneath the blanket. Acid wash jeans clung relentlessly to her figure, buried in scrunched up socks and trainers.

“Nice jeans. I like them.”

“Very funny, Doctor. I’d like to see you try pulling off this look.”

“Oh, that’s nothing. I’ve worn far more outlandish clothing. Did I ever show you my wardrobe? Bigger than the console room, that!”

Little Donna piped up. “Doctor, didn’t you say my mind is burning up? Maybe we could talk about fashion later.”

“Right. Okay, Teenage Donna… wait, both of you—do you both know everything we’ve talked about, or do I need to fill you in, Teen Donna? This is getting confusing.”

“Nevermind that, Doctor. We’re all connected. And now that I’m here, Little Donna can just join with me. Come on, then!”

Little Donna walked towards Teen Donna and melted into her, disappearing and leaving the Doctor alone with just one version of herself.

“Well… didn’t see that coming,” the Doctor rubbed the back of his neck. “She’s still here, right? You didn’t just send her off somewhere? I’m not gonna have to track her down again?”

“Of course not, why would I do that? Don’t be so thick.”

“Well I haven’t exactly done this before, have I? You’re the first human side of a two way metacrisis I’ve ever explored, I’m just sorta figuring it out as a go. Not exactly textbook.”

“All right, fine. Thanks for the bubble, by the way. What a relief! How do you do that? You’ve got so many weird tricks up your sleeve, I still never know what’s coming with you.”

“No problem, just some telepathy 101. I’ll teach you how to do it later. For now, let’s go round up the other strays.”

“Oi! I’m not strays!”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up defensively. “Figure of speech!”

“Nevermind, Space Man, let’s just go already.”

“Yes, let’s.”

They didn’t have to search for College Donna. Teen Donna had told the Doctor she was in the red warehouse, but when they got up to the door, it opened for them and College Donna stumbled out in a haze of loud thumping music and flashing lights, bumping right into them before staggering a few steps and falling flat on her bum. She let out a squeak of indignation.

“Oi! You should watch where I’m goin’, mate!” Her flowery blouse and denim overalls were rumpled and her red hair was limp.

The Doctor extended his bubble to her, then reached down to give her a hand up. She snatched it clumsily and he pulled her to her feet, swaying unsteadily, her eyes half closed. “Helloooo, Doctor.”

“Blimey, Donna, you smell like a distillery!”

“So this isn’t embarrassing,” muttered Teen Donna.

“Well, at least she was easy to find.” He addressed the teenager, but kept his eyes on the college student.

“Well, you’re never more yourself than when your hammered. She’s too far gone to hide from anyone.”

“Oi! You two! M'standing right here!” The words came out heavy and over-enunciated.

“Donna, maybe you should have some coffee.” A coffee cup appeared in the Doctor’s hand as he spoke, and he handed it over.

“Wow!” she guffawed. “How’d you do that?”

He thought about explaining how she was just a construct, and that for some reason that part of her mind had locked itself into an inebriated state, and that the coffee was just a way of drawing her mind out of that state and into something a little more functional. But instead, he just said, “Magic.”

“I didn’t know you were magic. Bloomin’ Harry Potter right here! Time Lords… are… amazing!”

The Doctor just took her hand and forced the cup into it. “Just drink it, Donna.”

Teen Donna had colored deeply. “Blimey, is this really what I’m like when I’m drunk? No wonder Ted never called me back…”

“He was probably just as plastered as you,” the Doctor offered as a consolation.

“Right… I think. I don’t quite remember…”

The Doctor conjured up a chair and eased College Donna into it, encouraging her to sip the coffee. She took some drinks, but kept looking back and forth between the Doctor and Teen Donna and letting out little giggles in between gulps.

The Doctor sighed. “Donna, listed. You need to shake of this drunk thing. It’s all in your head. Any chance you could bring out the classroom Donna instead?”

She laughed incredulously. “You’d rather have hangover Donna?” She turned towards Teen Donna. “He’s mad, that one!”

Teen Donna leaned towards the Doctor. “College was a learning experience for me… just not of the classroom variety.” She looked at him pointedly.

The Doctor grimaced. “Right… well then.”

“Maybe I could just absorb her like I did Little Donna.”

“Noooo no no,” the Doctor shook his head firmly. “The last thing I need is a drunken fifteen year old. College Donna may be giddy and thick, but at least she’s not vomiting everywhere.”

“Oi!”

“Let’s just find Temp Donna. She could probably handle absorbing the party girl here by the time we find her. If College Donna starts to sober up in the meantime, all the better.”

“We can’t just leave her here,” Teen Donna said, scrunching up her face and crossing her arms.

“I never said we’d leave her anywhere. And no, we can’t risk losing track of her. Hmm…” Using his mind, he conjured up a red pull along trolley cart. “All right, Donna, in you go.” He took the coffee from her and gave her a hand up. She wobbled.

“Oi, s'bit much, innit?” she protested. Still, she stumbled over and climbed in, curling up awkwardly. 

The Doctor grabbed the handle and looked at Teen Donna. “All right, where to next?”

“We have to find Temp Donna. She’s in Yellow. And I know just where she’ll be.”

As they turned towards the the door with the yellow glow, there was a sudden, huge rumble. The ground beneath them began to tremble, then roll and shake ferociously, knocking the Doctor and Teen Donna to the ground. The blue cords tore away from the warehouses and swung wildly about, throwing off huge sparks as the lights in the warehouses flickered and died. The Doctor tried to stand, but was knocked off his feet again. There was a cracking, tearing sound as pieces of the warehouses started to crumble, huge chunks of their roofs and siding breaking away and falling to the black floor, until all of them had tumbled to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11

The part human Doctor ran both hands through his hair and turned away from the TARDIS door, not quite sure what he should do. You idiot! What’d you think was gonna happen, you great big outer space dunce! The single heart in his chest was beating rapidly and he felt a little breathless. A few moments passed before he remembered he wasn’t alone. He glanced uncomfortably at Jackie, but found she was looking out at the waves—intentionally ignoring him? It would hardly surprise him if she was. He deserved it. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked moodily at a pebble. It bounced away, leaving scuff marks in the smooth, damp sand.

“Blimey, Doctor, when are you ever going to learn to keep your mouth shut?” Jackie’s voice caught him by surprise and his head jerked up. She was still looking out to sea.

“Jackie…” he hesitated a moment, “When you look at me, who do you see?”

She turned her head and their eyes met. “What’s that supposed to mean? I see you, of course. The other Doctor. I mean you look just like him, but you’ve got the blue suit, so…”

“Yeah, but… I mean, do you see me as just some… clone, or something?”

She studied him wordlessly for a few moments, hands in her pockets, shoulders hunched against the cool wind. “Is that what you are? A clone?” Her tone was neither friendly nor cold, just detached. 

The Doctor broke eye contact and studied his feet. “No.”

“What are you then?”

He looked back up at her then, their eyes meeting—hers full of melancholy, his intense with determination and something close to desperation. “I’m the Doctor.”

“And what does that make himself?” she asked plainly, nodding towards the door. “There can’t be two of you.”

The Doctor sighed heavily in frustration. “Jackie, you know what happened to the Doctor? And by the Doctor I mean me. Just, please, I need you to imagine for a moment that you see me as him. I mean really him.”

Jackie turned back to him, eyes roving up and down his face before she nodded. “All right. What about it?”

“Here’s what happened to the Doctor. He fell asleep on the floor of the TARDIS. He doesn’t remember doing this, but it must be what happened, because that’s where he woke up. He was in danger, so he quickly launched the TARDIS into space. He then dressed himself, and proceeded to do all the things the Doctor always does. Because he was the Doctor. Except there was this little detail, this small but immeasurably important fact. The regeneration. Because he hadn’t just regenerated. He diverted the regeneration energy away from himself, and as a result, he was still alive in his old body. The one that had been damaged. He didn’t want to change, so he just funneled all that energy into a new vessel—a bit of his own organic tissue. Well, he hadn’t counted on Donna being trapped in the TARDIS, and he didn’t count on her triggering a second regeneration out of that stored energy. But that’s exactly what happened. A second regeneration, a second Doctor. So now, this Doctor—the one that woke up on the TARDIS floor—he comes into contact with all the people—all the wonderful, brilliant humans in his life that he loves with every particle of his whole being—and they all look at him like they’ve never seen him before. Like he’s some stranger, some unknown person they pass on the street, and he happens to look remarkably like someone they know. But they don’t really know this new man, this stranger. He looks familiar, that’s all. Well guess what…”

“He really is the Doctor,” Jackie finished.

“I split myself in half, Jackie. I’m not a clone, a copy. I’m him. He—we—divided into two bodies. Two bodies, same Doctor.”

“But Doctor, just because you began that way, that doesn’t mean…” she paused, weighing her words. “Well, you have to admit that you’re different now. You and him, you’re not having the same thoughts. What you’re doing now, standing here, talking to me—that Doctor in there won’t have that memory, and this conversation won’t shape him or influence him. Not that it’ll necessarily influence you either, but you get my drift. You’re you, and he’s him. You’re both the Doctor, but you’re not the same Doctor anymore.”

His mouth fell open in surprise. He’d had these thoughts himself. But to have it so plainly stated to him by another person left him feeling like he’d been slapped. He was so desperate to defend his identity, to have Rose and the others understand that he really was the Doctor. But maybe they understood completely. Maybe they understood who he was more than he did himself.

She’s right. Rassilon, I’m such an idiot.

He must have looked stricken because Jackie walked over and put a hand on his arm. “Doctor, it’s okay. So you’re different. But like you said, you’re him too. Everything in your life, you’ve carried that with you into this new body. You’re just taking a different path now. That’s not a bad thing.”

“Not a bad thing,” he repeated softly to himself. He glanced at Jackie. “Unless Rose leaves. With him. Then it’d bad, it’d be very, very bad.” He rubbed a hand down his face, expelling a worried groan. “What am I gonna do, Jackie?”

“What are we gonna do,” she said, giving his arm a comforting squeeze.

Rose entered the medbay and closed the door firmly behind her, leaning against it heavily with her eyes shut, willing the lump in her throat away as she squeezed her eyes tighter to banish the tears that were still gathering.

The Doctor wouldn’t leave her. He wouldn’t. It’s not true. The other Doctor, he’s wrong. He’s wrong. My Doctor won’t leave me. Not after everything I’ve been through. Not after I’ve fought so hard to get here. He wants me back on the TARDIS, with him. Forever. …Doesn’t he?

She opened her eyes slowly and stared at the Doctor, still slumped over Donna’s recumbent form. God, she was worried. Why was this taking so long? If the other Doctor was right, this should be relatively quick for those outside Donna’s mind. How long had it been for him, inside her head, where time was flying by at a rapid pace? She pushed herself away from the door and walked over to him. He had the same troubled look on his face that he’d had when they’d left the room. A wave of desperation washed over her. There was nothing she could do to help. Nothing. All she could do was sit here and wait and be sick with worry and try to grasp at strands of hope that seemed to dangle just out of reach.

This was the first time since Canary Wharf that she felt truly helpless.

Her thoughts wandered back to Krop Tor, sitting with him at the table as they stared out at the impossible black hole, nervous and frightened and full of dread, trying to push those feelings away with their silly chatter about a future on the slow path. She always felt safer with him. It made her sick to her stomach when he’d said he wanted to go down into the caverns with Ida, leaving her alone in the station. Putting on that brave face as she kissed him goodbye through his helmet took almost more courage than she could muster. And watching him disappear left her breathless and shaken. The moment Ida reported that he’d fallen, that he’d said her name…

She pushed the thoughts away. Reliving those awful memories wasn’t going to help her now. She needed to be strong for the Doctor. Closing her eyes, she forced herself to focus on all the impossible things they’d gone through, only to come out the other side unscathed and laughing. Possessed by the self proclaimed Last Human, chased by werewolves and Krillitanes, captured by Cybermen, trapped inside a child’s drawing, not to mention everything else that had ever happened to him in all the nine-hundred and something years before they’d met… He was a survivor. He’d be okay, and so would Donna. If there was one thing the Doctor always managed to do while surviving, it was making sure everyone else survived too.

Her mind drifted unbidden towards the part human Doctor, and her stomach tightened into a sick lump. He said he was the Doctor. The real Doctor, just a new body. If he was, how could he be so wrong about the Time Lord version of himself? Unless he wasn’t wrong…

No. He’s wrong. He’s wrong.

Despite her efforts to push away the possibility as preposterous, a worm of doubt was working its way deeper into her heart. She thought about the part human Doctor’s words. You’ll grow old without him. He’ll have to watch you fade away and die… he’s always going to lose you in the end… Better to always think of you as being here, happy, with your family, with him… a version of him that’s meant to take the slow path. Instantly the Doctor’s words all those years ago flew into her mind. You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t spend the rest of my life with you.

Fresh tears started to fall.

There was a muffled, choking sound, and a forceful, desperate groan. Rose’s eyes flew open, and she leaped hurriedly to the Doctor just as he collapsed right on top of Donna. In the same moment, the monitors began beeping wildly, and lights on the screens started to flash.

“Doctor! Doctor, wake up! Doctor!” She started to shake him by the shoulders, but stopped herself as she remembered what the other Doctor had said, that it could hurt him to break the connection so abruptly when he was so deep inside Donna’s head. She turned and stared at the screens, hands on her forehead in a gesture of helplessness. She didn’t understand most of it, but she could see Donna’s heart rate was dangerously high, and increasing rapidly. Oh my god, what do I do?

She bolted from the room and ran down the hall, through the console room, and flew out the door, barreling headlong into the Doctor and her mother, who were in surprisingly close proximity to one another. She almost lost her balance and fell, but the Doctor caught her.

“Whoa! Rose, what is it?”

“Donna,” was all she could muster through her breathlessness.

They dashed back to the medbay. The Doctor was like a coiled spring as he read the monitors, then touched a panel in the wall beside the bed. A keypad slid out, and he punched several buttons in rapid succession. Another panel opened and a small, round device appeared. The doctor took it and applied it to Donna’s arm. There was a little shlick, and the Doctor pulled the round object away. A little droplet of blood formed, and the Doctor covered it with a plaster. Even as he did so, Rose saw her heart rate slowly begin to decrease, though it remained erratic.

“I gave her something to slow her heart, but whatever’s happening in there… there’s nothing I can do.” He caressed the top of Donna’s head, his brow creased with worry.

“What about the Doctor?” Rose asked. “Is he… okay?” The words seemed to catch in her throat, and she had to force them out with a dry croak.

The part human Doctor stared down at his Time Lord counterpart, his expression inscrutable. “He’s still in her head.”

“But he’s no longer…” Rose trailed off as she touched her own temples. 

He looked at her. “He’s… we’re touch telepaths. Touching the temples is the easiest, strongest path to the mind. But he’s inside her head so deeply, any physical contact is sufficient at this point. And he is still touching her, albeit rather awkwardly.” He grimaced. “Donna’s going to have something to say about that later.” As soon as the statement came out, his stomach turned. If she makes it out okay… He ran a hand down the back of his head and massaged his neck. “I don’t… he’s…” He looked at Rose. “This is bad, Rose. Whatever happened to make Donna crash like that…”

She stared at the Time Lord’s prone figure, unable to speak. Jackie approached and put an arm around her daughter, comforting her silently.

“I could… I might check on him,” the part human Doctor suggested diffidently.

Rose wiped her eyes before more tears could fall. “What d'you mean?”

“I can’t go inside Donna’s head. I wasn’t strong enough. My telepathic abilities seem to have weakened since… anyway, I could go inside his head though. If I could find out what’s going on, maybe I could figure out some way to help them.”

“Is that gonna put you at risk? 'Cause I’m not about to lose both of you.”

“I won’t go deep. I promise.”


	12. Chapter 12

The Doctor let out a wheezy, pained cough and slowly rolled over onto his back with a groan, opening his eyes to find himself in a dimly lit library. The circular room was lined with burnt ocher shelves built directly into the wall, occasionally disrupted by a blooming coral strut climbing up into the high ceiling. The shelves were positively overloaded with books, and there were also books stacked on little accent tables that flanked a huge map table in the center of the room. There was a dark velveteen couch, offset by a delicately carved myrtle burl coffee table. They were situated near a huge recessed fireplace with a coral mantelpiece. The fire crackling within was the only light source in the room.

He immediately recognized this place as his own mind.

“Easy there,” a familiar voice said. A figure walked out of the shadows and extended his hand to the Doctor. It was his part human duplicate. He was thankfully wearing his blue suit this time, and looked much more at ease than he had been at their last meeting. They clasped hands and the Time Lord was hoisted up off the ground.

“What are you doing here?”

“Something went wrong. You collapsed. You’re still inside Donna’s mind, but she’s deteriorating rapidly.”

The Time Lord massaged the back of his neck stiffly and sat down heavily on the couch. “I know. I watched everything fall apart. Donna, she had separated into six different beings of consciousness. I found three of her, but her mind collapsed before I could find the others.”

The part human Doctor’s breath caught in his throat. “Completely?”

“I’m not sure. I blacked out. I assume it hasn’t completely caved in because I seem to be in my right mind. Unless, of course, I’ve dreamed you up and only think I’m having a coherent conversation with my other half…” He glanced suspiciously at his duplicate.

“No, I’m really here. 'Course, I’d probably say that even if I weren’t real. But, in the interest of time, let’s just go with it, yeah?”

“Just so. I’m already neck deep in Krillitane excrement. Not much could get any worse at this point. Although, leave it to me to find a way.”

The part human Doctor furrowed his brow. “You seem a bit shaken up.”

“Well I don’t feel wonderful by any means.”

“Tell me what you remember.”

“Well, like I said, I’d found three bits of her consciousness, but I couldn’t properly bond with her without the other three. I need the complete Donna. I hadn’t counted on her splitting apart like that, but in hindsight it sorta makes sense, the way her mind completely scattered the way it did. Stands to reason her consciousness would too.”

“Tell me about the Donnas you’ve found already.”

“Well, I found Donna as a child, a teenager, and a college student.”

The duplicate failed to stifle a laugh. “College student Donna! She’s quite a laugh.”

“I suppose you’d know.”

“Well, she is in my head. For better or for worse.”

“Right. Anyway, I had sorted her mind into these warehouses. A bit simplistic, but it was the fastest way to begin my search. I was about to enter one of them when everything collapsed. All I remember is the Donnas screaming, watching everything crumble and fall apart… then everything went black and suddenly I was here.” His face was grim, his jaw working as he felt out his next words. “I’m scared. I’m terrified it’s too late. If I’d thought of this sooner, I’d have had more time! I could’ve…”

The part human Doctor balled his hands into tight fists, doing his best to stay calm. “It might not be too late, Doctor. Think! …Okay, when you found me in there, you had this big shield around us, protecting us from the mental storm. Did you keep that on, maybe brought her into it?”

“Yeah, I did, actually. That’s an interesting thought…”

“Listen, if her mind has collapsed, that part of her is still protected by your mind. That must be why you’re not being crushed by the damage. You’re safe with that little part of Donna that you’ve shielded.”

“Maybe. Still, what about the other parts of Donna? I can’t retrieve them now, not with her mind like this. You have to understand, everything fell apart. Everything.”

“You need to at least see if those parts of her you found are safe inside your bubble.”

The Time Lord stood and began pacing. “But then what? I can’t bond with just a part of her. That won’t be enough. She’ll go insane.”

“I know…” The duplicate rubbed his face with his hands. “Think, Doctor. There has to be a way. Remember, if you don’t save her, then you’ll die too. You want to put Rose through that?”

“She has you.”

The part human Doctor gaped at him. “Have you lost your senses completely? She loves you, not me. She’s as much as said so.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told her you were going to leave her here, with me. She didn’t exactly take it well. In fact, now she thinks I flat out lied to her face just to win her over.”

“You stupid ape, what’d you do that for?”

“Oh, like it’d be any better to wait and tell her at the last minute. 'Oh here, Jackie, you’re home! And by the way, Rose, so are you. Have a nice life! Bye!‘”

The Time Lord was dumbstruck. He ran his fingers through his hair and turned away.

The duplicate crossed his arms, softening his tone slightly. “Honestly, how did you think that was going to go?”

Silence.

“Look, I know why you’re doing this. I know how much it hurts. I get it. But you can’t make that choice for her. Let her decide. At least give her that.”

“No.” The Time Lord turned around. “I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for me.” His voice hitched. “I can’t lose her again. Not like that.” He swallowed the lump in his throat, biting his tongue to force the tears away. “I can’t. I just can’t. It’s torture enough, leaving her here, never seeing her again. But at least I can remember her happy, full of that amazing passion and sense of adventure, that smile, that enthusiasm and warmth and courage, and… it’s a thousand, million, billion times easier to say goodbye to Rose now, than to watch her fade away, in pain and sorrow and fear of the unknown, the way humans do. I couldn’t bear it…” By now the tears had started to fall. “And anyway, I can’t give her the intimacy she wants. Rassilon, it hurts bad enough parting as friends! But as lovers? It would destroy me.” He swallowed and swiped at his eyes. “Maybe that makes me a coward.”

A tight ache had blossomed in the part human Doctor’s chest, and he discovered tears of his own were gathering. It was more than empathy. It was communion. A spirit of complete unity with his other half. The fear and wonder that he felt regarding his own sudden mortality was nothing compared to the relief that he would never be forced to choose between leaving Rose forever, or watching her die while he lived on, knowing he’d have to carry one more loss—a massive, devastating, soul crushing loss—in his hearts for all eternity. It was the same story, again and again and again. And he was tired of living it.

He nearly cherished mortality at the thought.

The silence grew almost unbearable before the Time Lord Doctor finally spoke up again. “We’re getting distracted.” The duplicate couldn’t think of anything to say. He simply nodded and turned his gaze to the floor, wiping his face dry with the back of his hand.

The Time Lord was staring sightlessly at his counterpart when suddenly his brow furrowed. He folded his arms over his chest. “Hold on a tick… what was it you said earlier? When you mentioned College Student Donna?”

The part human Doctor glanced his way and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I said she was a laugh.”

“No no, I mean after that. You said she’s in your head.”

“Right, two-way biological metacrisis.”

The Time Lord Doctor looked like his eyes might pop right out of his head. “That’s just it! How could I be so incredibly thick! Two-way biological metacrisis! Doctor, you’ve got Donna in your head!”

The part human Doctor frowned slightly. “Well yeah, sort of, but not like that. Not literally. Just a bit of influence is all.”

“That’s what I thought, too. But when I was sorting out that mess in her head, I quarantined a massive quantity of Time Lord consciousness. A lot more than I expected. And think about it! She doesn’t just have our memories and knowledge. She’s started talking like us, acting like us… and you’ve been acting and sounding more like her.”

“So you’re saying you think… I’m literally still in her mind, and that she’s literally still in mine?” He suddenly leaped onto the coffee table, hands flying to his head. “Oh! Oh! If we figure out a way to access the Donna inside my head, maybe we could find the missing pieces of the Donna puzzle!”

“Oh yes!”

“That’s brilliant!”

“I know!”

“Right, so, how do we do it exactly?”

The Time Lord Doctor continued pacing. “Well, I’m still inside her head, but you’re inside mine. So you’re inside Donna’s head as well, in a manner of speaking. Since I’m connected to you both, theoretically you could bring the missing parts of Donna to me, and I could reunite them.”

“It’s worth a try. I think if I concentrate I might be able to bring her to you.”

The Time Lord nodded. “I’ll keep it down.” He sat on the couch, leaning his head against the soft, high back. “Good luck,” he said softly, then closed his eyes.

“Right. Thanks.” The duplicate sat down in the middle of the coffee table, folding his legs under him. Please, Donna. Help me find you. He closed his eyes and let his mind carry him away.


	13. Chapter 13

In a similar mental library—almost identical to the Time Lord’s, in fact, with the exception of a rose colored wing chair sitting opposite the couch, flanked by a tea cart that was piled high with cozy mysteries and romance novels—a pleasantly round, bosomy redhead sat sipping tea out of an oversized mug. She was in her late thirties, with a long, droll face, deepset eyes full of expression and mischief, a small mouth corraling a toothy, slightly crooked smile. Her hair was pulled into a voluminous ponytail, and she was wearing a dark red t-shirt and purple fleece pants that were covered with pictures of cats sleeping on clouds.

The quote on her mug said Life is too short to tone down the sarcasm.

The warmth from the fire and the low, flickering light it produced was the perfect atmosphere for a cozy mystery. She was reading one of her favorite Agatha Christie’s, coincidentally called The Body in the Library, and she had just gotten through the first chapter when she heard the door creak open, and she saw The Doctor walk in.

“Well, so much for a quiet evening,” she said, setting her book down.

“Donna! Good to see you.” He had his hands shoved nonchalantly in his blue suit pockets. His hair was a tad messier than usual, and he looked a little tired.

“Likewise, Doctor,” she replied, standing up and walking towards him. “What brings you here into the recesses of your mind. Well, our mind now.” She grinned. “God, that sounds weird. Gotta be careful ‘bout that, they might have us committed.”

The Doctor couldn’t suppress a grin. It was such a relief to see her face, to hear her voice as if nothing had gone wrong. It could only happen if he turned inward completely, tuning out every aspect of the conscious world. But he wasn’t sure how long he could maintain his concentration. He’d never done this while telepathically linked to someone else, and it was proving to be a lot more difficult. Or maybe it was part of his newfound humanity. Whatever the case, he needed to hurry. “Donna, listen, this is gonna sound weird, but I need you to come with me into the other Doctor’s mind.”

Donna shrugged. “Doesn’t sound any weirder than half the things that come outta that gob of yours. What for?”

“The original Donna is crashing, and the Doctor—the other Doctor—blimey, they got me saying it now… anyway, he couldn’t recover her completely. We’re sorta hoping you can fill in the missing bits so he can keep her from, you know, dying…” He said it in that casual, head-tossing tone he often used, but he his shoulders were taut, and there was severe unease in his eyes.

“Dying? What? Wait, what do you mean missing bits? What bits are missing?”

“Well, he was only able to recover about the first half of your life, maybe a bit more. But it doesn’t really matter, because if he doesn’t get the whole Donna, he can’t bond with her, and that’s the only way he can save her.”

Her mouth fell open and she took a step back. “Wait, bond with me? What’s that mean? Like a wedding? Lord, no! Never gonna happen!”

“No, not like that! …Wait… would it be that awful, really?” He grimaced, a little offended.

“Yes, yes it would. It’d be like marrying my brother!”

“You don’t have a brother.”

“Whatever! Tell me about this bond thing.”

“Right! Well… where to start?” His eyes searched the ceiling for inspiration. “Okay, well, you know how with the Metacrisis, part of you went into me, and part of me went into you, right?”

“Bit simplistic way of putting it, but yeah, I got that.”

“Well, it turns out that it wasn’t just part. It was more like cell division…”

“So what, we… duplicated?”

“Yes, in a manner of speaking. Your consciousness actually divided. And so did mine. I’ve actually got one hundred percent Donna Consciousness inside my head right now. It’s how I can be having this conversation with you. Couldn’t really do this if it was only bits of you, no matter how far inward I went. I’d just get hints, feelings, that sort of thing. But not you, here, sitting and reading murder mysteries in my library.” A slight, baffled chuckle escaped him. “Anyway, same thing happened with me. My consciousness divided, and that went into you. All of it.”

“So what does that all mean?”

“Okay, so I’ve got a Time Lord brain. I mean, I’m part human, but I still have some Time Lord physiology, and that’s made it possible for me to have a Time Lord’s consciousness. You, on the other hand… well, you’re human. Physically speaking, your brain can’t contain a Time Lord’s consciousness. Your mind is crashing.”

Donna looked horrified. “Oh my god…”

“Something like that, yes. So here’s the thing with the bond. If you create a telepathic bond with the Doctor, your connection to his brain will protect you. Sorta like if you’ve got a pot boiling over, and you put it in another, bigger pot, the bigger pot catches all the water, everything’s all contained, and that may well be the worst analogy I’ve ever come up with.”

“Yeah, not great. But nevermind that, I think I get it.”

“You’ll be stuck in his head, though… and he’ll be stuck in yours… you’ll never be apart, ever. You should know that.”

Donna slowly shook her head, eyes half lidded in mild amusement. “How is that any different than you and me, Space Man?”

The Doctor stared at her for a moment, mouth open slightly. “Right… well, except this you actually shares my body, too. You’re not really autonomous anymore. Whereas the original you still has her own life. She… might not like it.”

“Well, what choice does she have? I mean it’s that or being dead, right?”

“At this point, yes. The other option would have been to erase all your memories of our travels, the Tardis, me, everything. You’d go back to how it was before you’d met me.”

Donna looked horrified. “That is not an option!”

The Doctor scratched his jaw. “Yeah, not anymore. She’s too far gone.”

Donna crossed her arms. “It wasn’t an option before either, you dunce. I can’t go back! Not ever!”

The Doctor nodded slowly. “Right… so, bond then?”

“Like I said, what other choice is there? And speaking as an insider, she wouldn’t take death as an option either.”

The Doctor grinned. “Not the Donna I know and love!”

“Obviously!”

“Right! Brilliant! We need to hurry.”

Donna adjusted the hem of her shirt. “So… how are we supposed to do this, exactly?”

“Well, this is going to sound a little weird—”

“Oh, enough with that already. Weird is pretty much a given with you, I hardly need the disclaimers anymore.”

“Right. Sorry. Anyway, I’m actually telepathically connected with the other me right now. You and me, we’re both inside his head. And he’s inside the other you’s head. So the idea is that I bring you to him, and he brings you to the other Donna, and that’s where the bond will need to take place.”

“So, if I do that… am I not going to be in your head anymore?”

The Doctor hesitated. “…I don’t know. I’m not sure how this is supposed to work, and I’m not even sure it will work at all.” He looked a little deflated. “I hope you can stay, though. I’d miss you.”

Donna smiled sentimentally. “Yeah… everyone does.” Her eyes crinkled up in a cheeky smile. The Doctor grinned back and extended his hand.

“Shall we?”

She took his hand and nodded. “Yes, let’s. Okay, what’s that thing the French say?”

“Allons-y?”

“Yes! That.”


	14. Chapter 14

“They’ll be all right, Rose. You’ll see.” Jackie’s voice was soft and comforting.

They were sitting on the bed next to Donna’s, keeping an eye on the two Doctors and the unconscious redhead. The Time Lord Doctor was sprawled awkwardly across Donna’s bosom, and the part human Doctor was sitting on what little space was left on the bed, eyes closed, his hands splayed across the Time Lord’s temples in a telepathic connection. Jackie had Rose’s one hand sandwiched between her own, gently rubbing her thumbs along her skin and occasionally giving her a little squeeze.

“How can you know that?” Rose replied tersely, trying to suppress the frustration in her voice, but mostly failing.

“Have you ever doubted him before?”

Rose closed her eyes, brow furrowing as her heart sank. She hesitated. “Yeah… yeah, I have.” She looked her mother in the eye. “When he changed. I did doubt him. I didn’t think he was going to help us when the Sycorax came. I worried he wasn’t going to wake up. I wasn’t even sure if I believed he was really the Doctor.” She looked away, biting her tongue as she fought back tears of shame. “I gave up on him.”

Jackie wrapped an arm around her daughter protectively and gave her a firm squeeze. “But Rose, we all thought that. Bloody hell, the Prime Minister herself acted out of fear even with him standing right in front of her! She blew up that space ship because she thought he might not come back. Well, he proved us all wrong on that day, didn’t he? Who’s to say he won’t make more miracles today? Besides, there’s two of him now. That’s twice the magic, innit?”

Rose stared at her hands. “I’m scared, Mum. I want to believe everything’s gonna be okay, that the two Doctors and Donna will wake up at any moment and start talking about what a wild ride it was… but Mum, the Doctor—the Proper Doctor—he lied to me today. What am I supposed to do with that? That doesn’t exactly instill a lot of trust.” Her voice hitched. “I just never thought he’d do that to me.”

“Oh, Rose…” Jackie gave her another big hug and a kiss on the temple. “He was trying to protect you, make it so you wouldn’t worry. I mean, he shouldn’t have lied, he really shouldn’t, but his intentions were good.”

“I had a right to know, Mum! His intentions don’t matter. It’s like he didn’t give me a chance to trust him. Like he didn’t trust me.”

“Well, it has been a long time since you’ve seen each other. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe you both have.”

Rose stared at her hands again. “I know we have…” a tear escaped. “Mum, he seems so sad. I mean, I know he’s been flashin’ that happy smile, but I can tell when he’s just putting it on. I’m worried he… what if he isn’t as glad to see me as I am him?”

“That’s just nonsense, Rose. Of course he’s glad to see you! He loves you! Everyone knows it. But if he thinks he has to say goodbye to you, like the other Doctor said, that’s probably why he seems so sad.”

“I just don’t understand how that’s possible. I mean I know what the new Doctor said, about him being afraid to… to watch me, you know, fade away. But is that really a reason to leave someone behind? How can you be so afraid of losing someone that you push them away altogether? That doesn’t make sense!”

“Not to a human, maybe. But we all live these short lives, it makes us eager to hold onto the ones we love as tight as we can and never let go, because we know our time is short. And when we lose our loved ones, that grief never leaves us, but we don’t have to live with it for… how old did you say the Doctor was?”

“Nine hundred and… well, more than nine hundred, anyway. I’m not sure how many years have passed for him. Time travel’s a funny thing…” She smirked, but her eyes were still troubled.

“Well there you are then. Imagine losing people and then living with that grief for a thousand years. Now, I know you don’t remember your dad—”

“I remember him, Mum—I met him, remember?”

Jackie paused, then nodded. “Okay, you did meet him once. But I knew him inside and out. And I haven’t forgotten a single thing about him. We had our problems, but I loved him. I loved him more than anything. People who don’t know always think grief goes away after a while, but it never does. Not really. It gets easier to live with is all. Even now, with my new Pete, I miss your father every single day, and it still hurts. If I had to live with that for a thousand years…” Jackie’s eyes grew misty. “I think if your Doctor is as old as he says, he knows a thing or two about grief. And the closer he is to a person, the more he fears it. And think how close he is to you.” She took her daughter’s hand once again and squeezed it. “I don’t know if this new Doctor is right about him. But think about it. Maybe him leaving you with this new Doctor—if he is leaving you—maybe it’s for his own sake as much as it is yours.”

Rose’s already flushed face darkened further, this time with barely suppressed anger. “That’s not fair! That’s not a good enough reason to leave someone behind!”

“Well, when he wakes up, you tell him that. But Rose…” Rose glanced at her mother, eyes red and swollen, tongue between her teeth as she tried to use the distracting sensation of biting to halt the flow of tears. “Don’t forget there’s two of him now. And this new Doctor, he’s not pushing you away. And he’s been more honest with you, too. Even if he’s wrong about the Proper Doctor, he was being honest about what he thought would happen. He was honest with you about the other Doctor bein’ in danger.”

“He was honest with me about how he felt knowing he won’t ever regenerate,” Rose added softly.

Jackie’s eyebrows popped up in surprise. “Oh, won’t he? That part of the human bit, then? …That does explain some things, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, how he’s more open with you, more comfortable around you. He’s not afraid of outliving you the way his old self is. He wants to make the most of the time he has. He’s just bein’ more human.”

“Mum, that’s nonsense, you can’t possibly know that. And besides, he as much as told me he was afraid of bein’ mortal.”

“Well, we’re all afraid of that, love! That’s part of bein’ human, too.”

Rose sighed and glanced up at the ceiling, swallowing dryly. A pool of silence spread between them, growing more awkward by the moment. Finally Rose looked at her mum again. “You’re right though. The Proper Doctor, I don’t believe he’s ever lied to me before. But he has hidden things. He doesn’t share, not unless you really push. God, I didn’t even know he’d been a father until… well, it wasn’t long before Canary Wharf.”

“A father!” Jackie leaned back, eyebrows knitted in surprise, softening after a moment. “Well, I suppose it shouldn’t be all that shocking with him being so old.”

“But that’s just the thing, Mum. It’s so easy to forget because he looks so young, and he never, ever talks about his past. Not ever. Except for those little moments where something slips out, and before you have a chance to ask, he’s on to the next thing. I mean he mentioned being a father, same way he might tell me what he’d had for tea, and then it was out the Tardis doors. He never said anything more about it, and he didn’t even give me a chance to ask.” Jackie squeezed her hand, but didn’t seem to know what to say. “And then this new Doctor comes along. Same man, same face, but… still a different person, technically. I haven’t known him more than half a day, and he’s already spilled his heart all over, and I didn’t even have to ask. He keeps saying he’s the Doctor—the real Doctor, that he’s just split himself in half. But he’s not the same.”

“Rose… don’t you see? The new Doctor, he’s got nothing to lose. No spaceship, no immortality, no clear identity… you’re the only thing he has left to hope for. But the Proper Doctor, he has everything to lose. Trouble is, he’s convinced himself he’s lost it already.”

The Time Lord Doctor heard the soft creaking of the library door hinges. His eyes flew open, and he saw the part human Doctor still sitting on the table, eyes open, a half smile on his face as he was looking towards the door. The Time Lord’s eyes followed his gaze, and he saw Donna—real, proper Donna—walking over to them with a little smile on her face. “Well, here I am!” she said.

“Donna!” he cried exuberantly, leaping off the couch and enveloping her in a tight hug. “Oh, Donna! Donna, Donna, I’ve missed you!”

Donna had her arms around him as well, but she looked positively squished in his tight embrace. “Right,” she croaked. “You can let go of me now, Doctor.”

“Yes, of course!” Despite his words, he held her just a moment longer before letting go, a gigantic grin plastered across his face. “I can’t believe it’s really you! Well, actually I can, technically speaking. But I’m just tickled pink! Well, not literally pink, I’m still sort of brown. What does that saying even mean? Where’d it come from? Doesn’t really make sense…”

Donna crossed her arms and rolled her eyes dramatically. “Doctor, shush! Good to see you too, but good lord!”

“Sorry.” He shoved his hands in his pockets sheepishly. “Been a bit of a day.”

The part human Doctor hopped off the coffee table. “A slight understatement, that. More like a whopping mammoth of a day! A Grand Canyon of a day! A tsunami! A tornado!”

“Okay, moving on. We need to hurry, Donna. Listen… I’m not quite sure if this will work, but it’s the only chance we’ve got at this point. Ready for things to get a bit mad?”

“Always with you, Doctor.”

“Perfect! You’re prepared then.” He turned to the Doctor in blue. “Well, wish us luck.”

His face fell. “Wait… can I… stay? I mean, I know I can’t go with you, but if, umm… if my Donna comes back…”

The Time Lord’s face softened. He nodded slowly. “Right. 'Course. I’ll bring her back if I can.”

Donna gave the part human Doctor a parting hug. He squeezed her tight and whispered in her ear. “You’ll be brilliant.”

“Thanks, Doctor. See you soon!”

“Let’s hope so.”

“Count on it.” She gave him one more squeeze, then stepped back and gave him a little wink. His mouth spread open in a crooked grin of amusement and genuine admiration.

“We’d better go,” the Time Lord Doctor said.

“Yeah, I reckon so,” An audacious grin spread across her face a she turned towards him. He reached up to touch her temples, closing his eyes and exhaling sharply as they were transported.

They found themselves waking up on the black, intangible floor of Donna’s headspace. The Doctor groaned as he pulled himself up onto his hands and knees, then slowly stood and looked around.

“Lord have mercy,” Donna muttered as she pushed herself into a kneeling position. Looking around, she saw nothing but devastation. There were blue strands sparking and twitching, jumping with each snap of electricity. Piles of rubble covered the space before them. It was like the devastation that follows a massive earthquake. “Doctor… is this all that’s left? Of me?” Her voice choked up.

He turned around and looked behind him. “No. You’re still hanging on. Have a look.”

Donna turned and saw herself. Twice. A teenager lying on the ground, and a college student slumped over in a pull cart. They appeared to be sleeping. “Oh my god… I can’t believe I used to dress like that.”

The Doctor couldn’t stifle a little chuckle. “You kidding? This is exactly how I pictured you.”

Donna glared at him. “Ha! I don’t buy that for a second!”

The Doctor smirked. “Okay, maybe not exactly like this, but… close. Can’t say I pictured you totally sloshed necessarily, but then again, I wasn’t really surprised either…”

“Oi! How ‘bout we focus, Space Man?”

“Hey, you’re the one who brought up fashion sense!” All the same, he walked over to the sleeping Donnas and gave them a each an aggressive shake. “Donna! Rise and shine! Up and at ‘em!”

The two Donnas stirred sleepily but eventually roused themselves with a bit more prodding from the Doctor.

“Oi, my head,” College Donna moaned.

“Ah, that’d be the hangover setting in,” Donna said. “I’d know that look anywhere.”

“Doctor, what happened?” Teen Donna asked as she stood shakily, rubbing her neck.

“Your mind collapsed,” he replied grimly. “Well, most of it. You two were protected by my bubble. It’s an extension of my own mind. Remember how I said bonding would help you because my mind would help carry all the excess consciousness in your head? Well, that’s essentially how it works. I can’t protect your whole brain without the bond, but I have enough control to be able to offer some protection. And that’s why you’re here, safe, with us.”

“But what about the others?”

“We couldn’t save them.” His voice was soft, serious. “But there’s one more thing we can try. This Donna is actually from the Metacrisis Doctor’s mind. Your consciousness divided, and he was carrying a duplicate of you in his own head. I… don’t know if this will work. But, maybe she can fill in the missing pieces. Maybe that would be enough for us to bond.”

The part human Doctor’s Donna stepped forward. “Hello, ladies. Long time no see.” Teen Donna laughed melodically, while College Donna pushed her palms into her eyes and groaned. The duplicate’s Donna restrained a wry smile of amusement, then turned to the Time Lord. “Right then, Doctor. What exactly are we supposed to do here?”

“Not sure…” he looked at Teen Donna. “When you and Little Donna met, you sort of absorbed her, for lack of a better way to put it, since now I’m thinking of the Abzorbaloff, and it was nothing like that, thank Rassilon. No, this was more like… merging.”

Teen Donna played with her hair absentmindedly. “But that was with my own consciousness. I’m not sure that will work here, since this Donna is from another mind.”

“Only one way to find out, I suppose,” the duplicate’s Donna said. She stepped towards Teen Donna and held out her hand. Teen Donna reached forward and took it.

Nothing happened.

Duplicate Donna glanced dejectedly at the Time Lord from the corner of her eye. “Looks like we’re not compatible, Doctor.”

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, turning away as he began pacing. “No, no, no, that’s not right. How can you not be compatible. You divided. You’re the same. There’s got to be something I’m not thinking of.” He rubbed his eyes as he continued walking back and forth.

“Maybe it’s because she’s complete,” College Donna muttered groggily. They all turned to look at her.

The Doctor took a step closer. “Say that again?”

“Maybe it’s because she’s complete,” she repeated, more slowly, and much more irritably. “Or, rather, maybe it’s because we’re incomplete. Maybe she needs to divide again.”

“Well, how am I supposed to do that?” Duplicate Donna asked incredulously, not sure she liked what she was hearing.

The Doctor leaped into the air excitedly. “Ha! Donna, that’s brilliant! I could kiss you!”

“Please don’t!” the three Donna’s said in unison.

“And with a hangover too! Oh, you’re one in a million!”

Duplicate Donna sighed. “Enough flattery, Doctor. Just tell us what we need to do.”

“Think. What caused your consciousness to divide before?”

“The metacrisis of course.”

“Right! And what caused the metacrisis?”

“That hand in a jar thing, with all the energy and whatnot in it.”

“Exactly! All that regeneration energy triggered the metacrisis, causing your consciousness to divide. So, all we need is some regeneration energy to trigger another metacrisis! Only this time, it’ll be with yourself.” He jerked a thumb towards the other two Donnas.

“Ah!” the duplicate Donna squeaked. “Well, that’s not a bad idea in general, Doctor, but where am I going to get regeneration energy? Human, me, remember?”

“But I’m not,” he grinned. “I’m a Time Lord. And I just so happen to be within the first fifteen hours of my regeneration.” He grabbed her by the shoulders. “I’m still regenerating! Which means…” He raised a hand and wiggled his fingers.

It was dim at first, but a shimmer spread across his hand, a faint warmth which slowly bloomed into a luminous golden glow.


	15. Chapter 15

“Ha! Okay, my dear Donna—or Donnas, as it were—let’s do this!”

The duplicate’s Donna folded her arms skeptically, giving him the side eye. “Doctor, how is this even supposed to work? We don’t actually have bodies. How can we trigger a metacrisis without bodies?”

“Sounds more like a mental crisis than a metacrisis,” muttered College Donna, still rubbing her temples.

The Doctor grinned. “Mental crisis, nice one! I like that.”

“No, but seriously, Doctor.” the duplicate Donna replied.

The Doctor rolled his eyes with mild impatience. “It’s not that complicated. Your mind is a part of you. During the first metacrisis, your consciousness divided, remember? This isn’t any different, other than the fact that we’re only triggering a mind, not a body. Think about it. The reason the first metacrisis worked when there was only the spare hand was the fact that your DNA was absorbed, patching in those empty areas and giving the regeneration energy what it needed to grow a new body. This is the same, only it will be sampling the Duplicate Donna’s mind and filling in the gaps left in the original Donna’s mind.” He grinned broadly.

“How’s it supposed to work with three of us though?” Duplicate Donna asked, gesturing to the other two Donnas.

“Oh, that’s simple.” He turned to Teen Donna and College Donna. “You two need to merge. College Donna, you seem to be doing well enough to take on your teenage counterpart here. Guess the coffee and quick kip helped sober you up.”

“Too bad it didn’t do anything for my head,” College Donna groaned. She turned to Teen Donna. “Well, come on then.” The teenage version of herself stepped forward and the two melded into each other, leaving College Donna standing alone.

“Yes! Perfect!” the Doctor yelled, clapping and rubbing his palms together. “All right, Donnas! You ready for this?”

“We’d better be,” both women said simultaneously. They looked at each other, slightly startled, then both laughed.

“Allons-y,” The Doctor said with a smile and a wink, extending his hands.

“Here we go then!” said Duplicate Donna.

“Heaven help us!” replied College Donna.

The three of them clasped hands.

In an effort to fight off her body’s desperate need for sleep, Rose stood and stretched with a yawn, then began pacing the room. Her legs felt like cinder blocks and the weight of her arms was aggravating a pinched nerve in her neck. She pulled her shoulders back, stretching her chest muscles as much as she could, then folded her arms to support their weight a bit more.

“Rose, sweetheart, you should try to get some sleep. You’ve been up for ages.”

Stifling a yawn, she shook her head. “Can’t. I need to stay awake. What if something happens?”

“What could happen that you’d have any control over?”

Rose glared at her. “I don’t know, Mum, but thanks for the encouragement.” Her sarcastic tone sounded harsher in her own ears than she’d intended it to, and she felt a pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She shifted her gaze to the floor. “Sorry, Mum. I didn’t really mean it like that. S'just…”

Jackie nodded. “I know. And I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you is all.”

“Please don’t,” she replied hastily. “Worry about me, I mean. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that, love. You always were an independent little thing. But a mother worries, whether you want her to or not. Maybe someday you’ll understand that, if you have kids of your own.”

“Maybe. But I need to be able to make my choices without fretting over how it makes you feel. You’re my mum, and I love you. Makes me feel guilty to know you’re worrying, but I need to be able to make the choices that are right for me without getting stressed over how it makes you feel.”

“Sweetheart, you’re my daughter. I could never stop worrying about you.” She let out a long sigh.

Rose frowned and resumed pacing, the silence in the room cultivating a tension in her chest that bloomed into… what? Frustration? Resentment? Pure exhaustion, certainly. All growing out of a bed of profound sadness.

No. Not sadness. Sadness was giving up. It was more like apprehension. Uneasiness. And, if she were honest with herself, she was experiencing some anger as well. Anger towards the Time Lord Doctor for lying to her. Towards the part human Doctor for leaving her here without him. Even towards Donna, to her shame. It wasn’t Donna’s fault, she knew that. But she couldn’t help feeling angry. If it wasn’t for Donna, none of this would be happening right now.

It wouldn’t be happening because reality would have been vaporized. Guilt boiled up inside her stomach, making her queasy. God, Rose, stop being so childish.

Something made the hairs on the back of her neck prickle, shortly followed by a gasp from her mother. She whirled around and stared at the Doctors.

The Time Lord was glowing gold.

The part human Doctor was sitting on the Time Lord’s couch, the great empty space inside the mental library beginning to feel more and more desolate with each passing moment. He could hear the crackle of the fire and feel its heat radiating towards him, warming his skin and making his face feel a little too hot. It occurred to him after Donna and the Time Lord had left that he wasn’t really sure how long this was going to take. He also wondered if he should break his connection with his counterpart and go comfort Rose.

He’d promised her that he wouldn’t go deep. And he hadn’t. He was feeling extremely guilty of the fact that he could hear everything she and her mother were saying. Ordinarily, he could carry on a limited conversation in the waking world while exploring someone’s mind, but several factors were preventing him from doing so. For one thing, his reduced capacity for telepathic activity made it more difficult to maintain a connection. Doing so now required a great deal of concentration. He was also extremely tired, which compromised his abilities further. Blocking out Rose and Jackie’s conversation was too difficult if he was to maintain a functional connection with the Time Lord, but trying to talk to them would be even harder. Stupid, flimsy, useless human brain. Rose… stop talking. Stop. Please stop saying things. No, Jackie, you too? Rassilon! At least they hadn’t said anything too personal. Her remarks about the Time Lord Doctor triggered a pang of guilt and sadness in his chest. But when she went on to talk about himself, he couldn’t help but brighten. At least she was only angry with one of them. She’ll be angry with you, too, when she finds out you overheard this conversation… and she will find out. You know she will. This is Rose we’re talking about… He sighed.

He was beginning to sweat in the heat. Was his mind getting too tired? Maybe he should break the connection, but he was too reluctant to leave. If he wasn’t inside his counterpart’s mind, he might not be able to tell if something went wrong. And since he’d been able to make contact with the Time Lord’s consciousness, it gave him hope that maybe he really could help if a problem arose with Donna.

He slipped off his jacket and pulled at the collar of his t-shirt, glancing at the fire. Why does it feel so hot in here? The blaze looked the same as it had before, the same golden glow seeping out into the room, flickering and making the shadows around him dance.

Did he just see the mantelpiece shimmer? No… yes. Yes! He jumped up and took a step back, mouth hanging open. The shimmer spread across the mantel, becoming more radiant as it went. It seeped out across the surface to the wall, then began climbing up in a swirling pattern, shedding gold dust in its wake. It was spreading onto the coral struts now, hot and golden like fire, the room getting brighter and brighter, until it suddenly burst with a white-gold light, blasting through the room and knocking the Doctor off his feet.


	16. Chapter 16

“Doctor… Doctor…”

The Time Lord felt a gentle hand grasp him by the shoulders and give him a little shake.

“Doctor! Wake up!”

He opened his eyes. Two redheads were staring down at him. One was wearing the same gauche pajamas as before. The other had on a gray top and brown coat, coppery hair pinned back at the ears, a little smile pulling at the corner of her droll mouth.

“Welcome back, Spaceman,” she said.

His mouth spread into an elated grin. “It worked.”

“It certainly did!”

“Ha!” He leaped up and pulled the brown coated Donna into a tight hug. “It worked! It worked! Oh Donna, you’re back! It’s so good to see you!” Almost as soon as he’d grabbed her, he turned toward the duplicate Donna and threw his arms around her. “Thank you, Donna! Couldn’t have done it without you! You’re a miracle worker, you are!”

“Doctor, not so tight!”

He responded with a giddy laugh, but let go of her all the same, instead throwing one arm across each of their shoulders. “Ah, I’ve never been so happy to be in the middle of a sassy redhead sandwich.”

The original Donna’s mouth fell open. “Oh god, no, don’t. Don’t say that.”

Duplicate Donna face-palmed, shaking her head. “Good lord, Doctor.”

His brow furrowed in puzzlement. “What?”

The original Donna rolled her eyes. “Oh nevermind. Forget it. What about this bond then?”

“Yes, you two have work to do,” duplicate Donna said. “If I’m done here though, I wouldn’t mind getting back to my Doctor. And my book, for that matter. Oh, I bet my tea’s cold. Drat.”

“That’s easily remedied when you’re a mental construct,” he replied, his arm slipping free from their shoulders.

“Oi! Don’t reduce me to an afterthought! My subconscious loves Miss Marple just as much as my conscious self ever did.”

The Doctor eyed her thoughtfully. “Right. Yes. O'course.” His brow was furrowed in puzzlement.

“What? Have a grown two heads or something?” Donna folded her arms across her chest, but failed to conceal a look of coupled interest and apprehension.

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “It’s nothing.”

“Rubbish. I know that look, Doctor. Out with it.”

“It’s just… you were reading Miss Marple and drinking tea?”

“Yeah, so what? You’ve seen me read and drink tea a billion times, what’s the big deal?”

“Well, it’s one thing when I’m entering someone else’s mind, for them to appear in a certain form they wish to be perceived in. But you…”

The duplicate Donna chewed her lower lip, uncertainty evident in her furrowed brow. “But I… what?”

The Doctor shook his head again. “Listen, I don’t really have time to go into it right now, and it’s just a feeling anyway, so there’s no point. Let’s take care of this business with our original Donna here. We can talk about it later… well, with the other Doctor I mean, of course.”

She frowned, but nodded. “Right, you should probably hurry.” She pointed a stern finger towards him. “Don’t think you’re getting’ away with anything, Doctor. This conversation isn’t over.”

He half smiled and nodded. “Of course. We’ll talk soon.” Reaching over, he took her hand gently in his. “Thank you, Donna. I’m afraid I owe you more than I could possibly repay.” The gratitude in his eyes warmed her heart. She placed her other hand on top of his and gave it a squeeze.

“Oh, it was nothing. Anytime.” She smiled affectionately, then leaned forward and gave him a little peck on the cheek. “Goodbye, Doctor. I’ll be thinking of you. Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

He grinned broadly, though there was a touch of sadness in his eyes. “I’ll miss you. Not every day you get a chance to hang out with the two most dynamic redheads in the universe. It’s been an honor and a privilege.” His right hand slipped free and reached up to grasp her shoulder. “Take care of him. He needs you more than he realizes.”

“You know I will.” She glanced over at the original Donna. “Same goes for you, now. You take good care of our Spaceman.”

“Of course,” she replied with a tender smile.

The Doctor’s smile turned melancholy as he brought his hands up to the duplicate Donna’s face. “Goodbye, Donna.” He placed his fingers on her temples and she vanished.

Rose gasped as she watched the Time Lord rapidly growing brighter, the golden glow swirling around him as it spread across his prostrate form, excess energy scattering away from him in wafts of glittering dust. “He’s regenerating! Oh my god, he’s regenerating!”

There was a sudden blast of white light, sending a shock wave through the room, knocking Rose off her feet with a yelp of astonishment. The part human Doctor exploded off the bed with a ragged cry, slamming into the far wall and falling face down on the floor.

“Doctor!” Rose clumsily rose to her feet and stumbled over to the part human Doctor, dropping to her knees and grasping his shoulders as he shakily pulled himself up on all fours with a groan of discomfort. “Oh my god, Doctor, are you all right?”

“As rain,” he rasped. “Still, that bloody well hurt…”

Rose turned to look at Jackie, who had apparently been knocked off the bed, but had managed to pull herself into a standing position with the aid of the footboard. “Mum, are you okay?” She hurried over.

Jackie rubbed her shoulder and tested its range of motion. “I’m fine, Rose. What about you?”

Rose pulled her into a hug. “Yeah, I’m okay. God, what happened?” She released her mother and turned back to the Time Lord and Donna, still lying in bed. The golden glow had faded, and he hadn’t changed at all.

“Another metacrisis,” the part human Doctor replied.

Rose was taken aback. “What?”

“There was another metacrisis. Between… okay, this is gonna sound barmy. Donna’s mind had collapsed, but our Time Lord friend here had protected some of her consciousness. Only a part, though. So he triggered a metacrisis between the real Donna, and the Donna inside my own head, using the remnants of his regeneration energy.”

Rose blinked, dumbfounded at first, but finally managing to squeak out, “How?”

“It was a metacrisis of the mind. The Donna in my head was complete and intact, so he used her consciousness to fill in the missing areas in Donna’s brain. Saved her life, actually. Look.” He nodded towards the monitors.

Rose looked at the screen. Donna’s heart rate had returned to normal. “Oh my god, he did it. It worked.” A smile spread across her face, followed quickly by a worried frown. “But if everything’s okay, then why aren’t they waking up?”

The duplicate Doctor stood up straight and rubbed his lower back. “They’re still performing the bond. Now that Donna’s mind has returned to normal, things aren’t moving as quickly as they were before. It’s not exactly a simple process. Could be a little while.”

Rose nodded slowly, still staring at the Time Lord and Donna, waiting for everything to sink in, but it was all a bit much.

“I have to admit, it was a bit weird. That blast that threw me off the bed…” he smirked shakily. “The same thing happened inside the Doctor’s mind. Only I came to, still telepathically connected to him, and my Donna had come back. It was a few minutes before the metacrisis event took place here in the waking world. Kinda took me by surprise. I guess I hadn’t expected there to be a physical manifestation.”

Rose rubbed at her arm apprehensively. “He… he started to glow gold. I thought he was regenerating. I thought… what if something happened that woulda killed you? You can’t regenerate. And maybe he can, but would he still be trapped inside Donna’s head? I was terrified. It all happened so fast, I didn’t really have time to panic, but I might have done…” a humorless chuckle escaped her throat, the grating sound of it causing her to cringe inwardly.

The Doctor started to move around the bed, but stopped when Jackie stepped forward and gave her daughter’s shoulders a squeeze. It irritated him. He knew it shouldn’t, but it did. She was her mum; it was right for her to be comforting her daughter.. But he wanted to be the one giving Rose comfort. The feeling of jealousy swelling in his gut was beyond absurd. Don’t be such a child, Spaceman. His cheeks colored at the guilt and he swallowed dryly, looking away and shoving his hands in his pockets..

Rose turned around and gave Jackie a little hug. “Thanks, Mum… listen, I could really use a cuppa. Any chance I could talk you into making us some tea?”

“Of course, love.” Jackie cupped her daughter’s cheek, then glanced pointedly at the part human Doctor before departing the room.

As soon as the door latched shut, the Doctor was around the bed. He’d intended to give her a comforting hug, but when he reached her he hesitated, suddenly feeling unsure. Does she want this? He glanced at the floor, scratched the back of his neck, then timidly put a hand on her arm and gave a little squeeze. “It’s going to be okay, Rose. The worst is over. They’re going to be fine—”

“Is he really going to leave me?” she cut him off, glancing at the wall, the floor—anything but him.

The Doctor swallowed thickly, letting go of her arm and burying his hands back into his pockets. “Rose, please forget I said anything about that.”

She scoffed. “You can’t be serious.”

“It was wrong of me to say it.”

“Was it?” Her tone was harsh. “Really?”

“You should… you should talk to him. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“But you are him, remember? You haven’t stopped saying it since you got here. So you’d know, wouldn’t you?”

The Doctor took a deep breath and let it out in a long, slow sigh. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Rose finally turned and looked him in the eye. “You said he was too afraid to stay with me. You said you knew what he was thinking, that he didn’t think he could give me what I want. You were adamant, Doctor. I’ve never seen you more certain.”

He folded one arm across his chest and pinched the bridge of his nose with the other hand. “Rose, please.”

“You said he was afraid to watch me die.” Her voice hitched.

“Rose—”

“‘You can spend the rest of your life with me. But I can’t spend the rest of my life with you.’” The Doctor winced, dropping his head down to rest his chin on his chest. He couldn’t bear to look at her. “Those were his words, Doctor. Your words. When you were him.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“Not too long though. Does he… love me too much? Is that it? Why he always pushed me away when things started to… when we started getting too close?” He wordlessly stared at the floor. “Is that what you’re gonna do?”

“No.”

“'Cause you can’t guarantee you won’t watch me die. I might die tomorrow. I might die today.”

“Stop it.”

“God, isn’t it worth it to him? He loves me too much to watch me die, but not enough to stay with me, despite the inevitable? How am I supposed to feel about that?”

His head flew up and he locked eyes fiercely with hers. “He fears it because he’s lived it. Countless times.” His face was a mask of frustration. “When you get kicked in the teeth, you’re not just gonna get back up and stand there waiting for the next kick. You’re going to do what you can to avoid it, because there’s no pain like that. Don’t you get it? Familiarity with loss doesn’t lessen the pain, it makes it worse. Because not only did you lose one more friend, but all your old wounds get torn back open, and you feel it as fresh as the day it happened.” He swallowed back tears. “He’s been alive for almost a thousand years. His hearts have been torn up so many times there’s nothing left but scar tissue.”

Rose stared at him, mouth hanging open. She shook her head incredulously. “You keep saying him. But you are him. You’ve had those same losses too. So why aren’t you so afraid? What makes you so much braver than him? Or are you just saying that because you think that’s what I want to hear?”

“No, I’m not just saying that! Rose…” He swallowed hard, running his hands through his hair with nervous energy. “Listen, there are some things I need to explain to you. Things… I never got a chance to say.” Rose glanced down at her feet wordlessly. He waited a few moments for a response, but it became clear one wasn’t forthcoming. “You asked me why I was so different. Why I seemed more myself, and why the other Doctor seemed so… well, sad, I guess.”

“I said his anger and pessimism were back,” she corrected.

“Right. Anyway, I mentioned that when we… when you and him first met, he was in a bad way.”

“Just after the Time War,” Rose said.

The Doctor nodded and looked down, chewing the inside of his lip as he gathered his thoughts. “You don’t know just how much you helped me. I don’t think I ever told you, I was ready to end my own life when we met.” She looked up at him sharply. “That explosive device I had… I planned to… well, anyway, then I met you, and suddenly…” he smiled sadly. “I didn’t want to go.”

She slowly shook her head, reaching for his hand, lacing her fingers in his. “I didn’t know…”

He shrugged. “I never said.”

She pulled him into a hug, resting her cheek against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her gently, speaking softly into her ear. “Then I regenerated. I’d absorbed the energy of the time vortex, and it was killing me. But I’d done it out of my love for you. And I would have done it again, a thousand times over, to keep you safe.” He paused with a thick swallow. “When I regenerated, it was for you. The Doctor—the other Doctor—you might say he was born for you. You’re the reason he exists. So when he… when I… lost you, at Canary Wharf… I changed. I closed off. Pushed friends away, ran headlong into danger without considering the consequences… I was too reckless. And it was because I no longer had you. The person I lived for. The person I existed for.”

He pulled her in tighter as he felt her body shudder with quiet sobs. She turned her face into his shoulder.

“Losing you was the most horrific thing that has ever happened to us. And now, having you back… it terrifies him. Because all he can think about is losing you again. But Rose, listen, I was born for you too. The metacrisis, it happened after you came back. You were the first thing I thought of when I sat up on the console room floor.” He let out a little chuckle. “Because I knew you were here, you were back. And the thing is, Rose… Being mortal, I don’t have time to be afraid to lose you. All I have is a handful of years, and I want to make the most of them. With you… if you want.” All he could hear was the soft sound of her muffled weeping. His heart sank. “But… I understand if… if that’s not what you want.” His voice constricted, and he forcefully swallowed down the growing lump in his throat. “I want you to be happy. How I feel.. well, that’s secondary.”

“Doctor…” she choked out, voice muffled in his shirt. He bent his head down to hear her better, but she didn’t continue.

“What is it, Rose?” She shook her head. He let out a long, hollow sigh. “Rose… I shouldn’t speak for him, but it’s hard not to. Please… when he’s back, you need to talk to him. Give him a chance to tell you what’s in his hearts. Even if we are the same, I don’t feel right speaking for him like this. But please, whatever happens, there’s something I need to say. Just one thing.” She lifted her head and looked into his eyes. “Rose Tyler… I love you.”

Her eyes brimmed with fresh tears and she smiled sadly. “Quite right, too.”


	17. Chapter 17

Three hours, seventeen minutes, and fifty-two seconds later, Jackie was sitting in the med bay drinking her sixth cup of tea, while Rose sat on the bed next to the part human Doctor. He was holding her hand, but she had her fist closed, accepting the gesture but not quite welcoming it. The Doctor wasn’t sure whether he should feel hope or doubt. He was usually good at figuring things out, but of all the mysteries he’d encountered in the universe, this was by far the most perplexing. His stomach flipped unpleasantly the more he thought about it, uncertainty and nervousness turning his insides sour.

What if she insisted on going with the other Doctor? Would he really tell her no and deny her the one thing she wanted most in all the universe? With a pang of guilt, he realized he selfishly wanted the Doctor to leave her, even if she begged him to whisk her away like she’d been dreaming for years. Despite his guilt, he found his selfish feelings only growing stronger, and a twinge of misplaced resentment towards his other self for taking her away, even though it was only a hypothetical scenario at the moment.

He gulped down a nauseating wave of stress-induced reflux and tried to relax.

It was at that moment Donna woke with a start, stared down at the Time Lord flopped across her ample bosom, and scowled indignantly. “Oi! Doctor, get off me!” She smacked him in the shoulder and he sat up instantly, sucking a deep breath.

“Aaah! Leave me alone!”

“Doctor!” Rose was instantly on her feet and at his side, arms thrown around him.

“You were cuddling me!” Donna yelped.

The Time Lord gaped in horror. “I was doing no such thing!”

Donna sat up, deadpanning. “Yeah. You were.”

“You fell over,” Rose explained. “You sort of… fell on top of her.”

“Yeah, on my pillowy bits,” Donna gestured to her bosom with a sweeping up and down motion of her hands, clearly affronted.

The Doctor blushed a deep crimson. “Well I can hardly be blamed for that,” he said defensively, standing and straightening his rumpled suit.

The part human Doctor helped Donna to her feet. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better,” she replied with enthusiasm. “Sorry about all that, with the headache and everything.”

He shrugged with a small smile. “Oh, it was nothing. I’ve had worse… one time in particular stands out, when I had a rather unpleasant encounter with a nasty Osiran called Sutekh. You know, he actually tried to mind control me… blimey, what a headache! Lasted for days.”

Rose scrunched her eyebrows in puzzled curiosity. “Sutekh?”

“On Earth he’s more commonly referred to as Set, Egyption god of disorder,” the Time Lord Doctor interjected. “In reality, he was a very powerful alien from the planet Phaester Osiris.”

“Throughout the universe, he was referred to as Sutekh the Destroyer,” the part human Doctor added.

Rose grimaced. “Sounds like a real gem.”

“Oh yes, he was loads of fun! I’ll have to tell you about him sometime.” The duplicate Doctor looked like he might continue, but the words died in his throat as he realized what he’d just implied.

You need to stop taking for granted that you’re going to be together, you fool. She may well choose the original Doctor. And why wouldn’t she? He had everything. Unquestioned authenticity, without any dubious ambiguity regarding his identity, not to mention ownership of the TARDIS, and correspondingly all of time and space. And what do I have? A blue suit and red sneakers… well, I have red sneakers somewhere. I’m pretty sure. …Where did I leave them? Blimey, I haven’t even got a tie. Rassilon help me.

He pulled himself away from his thoughts, realizing that Jackie was inviting Donna to the galley for a cuppa to help her relax after such an eventful day. Donna was saying that sounded lovely, and come on, Doctor, you too!

Rose is right, Jackie Tyler thinks tea is the solution to everything.

The duplicate wasn’t sure which of them she was referring to, or maybe she was referring to both.

“Rose,” he said, looking into her face earnestly. “I…” he glanced at the Time Lord, his gaze shifting so quickly as to almost be unnoticeable. “Could you help the Doctor process the medical log and shut down the machines? I’d do it, but I’m still feeling a bit woozy, you know. Think I’d better go sit down.” He pressed his mouth into a thin line and reached out to squeeze her hand briefly before turning and walking out, not giving her the chance to reply.

Her eyes followed his retreating form, not realizing her hand was still extended, reaching out to him as he left.

“Rose…” The voice of the Time Lord Doctor pulled her back to the present and she turned and looked at him, not sure what to say.

“Uuuugh,” the duplicate Doctor moaned, arms folded on the table top, face planted firmly on top of them, muffling his words. “What am I gonna do, Donna?”

Donna sighed, propping her chin in one hand and fiddling with her teacup with the other. “Well, you can start by not moping and whining,” she replied. “It doesn’t suit you.”

The Doctor sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands. “Right, thanks Donna,” he replied sarcastically. “I feel so much better.”

“You know he won’t take her. Even if she begs. He’s already made up his mind. I know that better than most now, but no one knows it better than you.”

“Yeah, but Donna, he’s who she wants. Even if he leaves her here, she may never want to see me again. What if she sends me away? What if the mere sight of me torments her? What am I gonna do here, with no TARDIS, no Rose, no you for that matter…”

“Well, there’s always me, love,” Jackie interjected.

The Doctor smiled softly. He was grateful for that. He really was. Jackie always seemed to resent him for whisking Rose away from her and into this crazy new life. It surprised him to find her willing to be there for him, even if Rose couldn’t. “Thanks, Jackie,” he said simply, finding himself at a loss for words.

“But you should know, my Rose would never send you away. Even if it hurt. It’s against her nature.”

“There, see?” Donna reached over and put a hand over his. “No one knows a girl better than her mum.”

“Yeah, but Donna…” the Doctor chewed the inside of his bottom lip. “If she stays out of obligation… then I’d be unhappy. More than anything, I want to give her what she wants. And if that means being alone…” He rubbed his neck. “Well, at least this human life’s a short one, if that’s the case.”

“Doctor, I think you’re jumping to way too many conclusions all at once. Just give Rose a chance to adjust. You and I both know, you’re him. And she’s in love with him. Which means she’s in love with you. Even if it takes a little while, she’ll come around.”

“I agree,” Jackie added. “I’ve seen how she looks at you, even now. She already loves you.”

The Doctor covered his face with his hands, elbows resting on the table. His stomach was performing outrageous acrobatic feats, churning his digestive juices into a froth. Not for the first time that day, he was finding himself wondering what would have happened had the metacrisis never taken place. Would the Doctor have denied Rose then? Would he really leave her here, in her unnatural universe, told her no repeatedly even as she begged for him to let her come back?

He was finding it more and more difficult to predict his old self’s thought patterns. Had he changed so much already? Or was it just the fact that he had spent so much time with Rose since the metacrisis, that he couldn’t possibly even entertain the thought of leaving her, especially if it was against her will. Had his old self walled himself away from feelings of attachment so entirely that he would hold firmly to his decision to leave her, in what amounted to a narrow-minded act of self preservation?

Or was the Time Lord using him as a way to rationalize what was ultimately a fear-driven reaction to the universe handing him something completely impossible? So impossible that he felt certain it would be snatched away again, this time in far worse a fashion. The best case scenario being that Rose lived a long, full, happy life. But the chances of that happening to his jeopardy-friendly companion weren’t high, and the universe was pernicious as often as it was kind. Perhaps moreso.

It occurred to the duplicate Doctor that his Time Lord counterpart would be doing a kindness to both of them. There was likely a part of him that saw the metacrisis as an opportunity for a version of himself to experience that happy, simple, mundane human life that he’d always secretly lusted after. A life he knew he could never have as a Time Lord, burdened with pseudo-immortality and preoccupied by his devotion to the well-being of the universe. Even if he allowed himself such an indulgence, he could never enjoy it fully. But this other half of his divided self was in a position to do just that. To embrace human existence completely. To live a life of love and devotion to one person rather than to all people; a life dedicated to one time, one planet, rather than every person on every planet, past, present, and future; a life so brief that it must be packed as full as possible with the people you loved, rather than extended through thousands of years, stretching itself to impossible lengths, spreading out across time and space like dough being rolled into a flat sheet, thinner and thinner until it tore apart, no longer capable of serving its purpose anymore.

The Time Lord knew that would happen to him one day, and he didn’t want Rose’s mortality to be the catalyst.

Rose’s hand fell and she pulled her eyes away from the door as the Doctor spoke her name. The look on his face was carefully neutral.

“It’s okay, you can go,” he said, nodding towards the door. “You look tired, and I don’t really need the help. Not exactly a two person job.”

“Doctor…” was all she could manage. Her mouth hung open for a few minutes, then closed as she realized the words wouldn’t come.

He studied her face a moment, then swallowed thickly and looked down at his shoes. “Did he… you spoke with him?”

“Yeah.” Her eyes grew watery, and she worked hard to choke down the lump in her throat, shoving her hands in her back pockets and looking away. “S'it true?”

He nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from the ground.

“Doctor, how can you do this to me? To yourself! After I’ve fought so hard—after you burned up a sun for just two minutes more—two bloody minutes! Do I mean nothing to you now, after I was worth that much?” She stopped. Her voice was escalating in both volume and pitch, and she was struggling to maintain control. A drop of devastation and anger fell from her eye, and she felt her mouth curling into the tears against her will.

He looked up sharply, mask fallen away, his deeply pained hearts reading loud and clear on his creased face, eyes red and welling. “You mean everything to me!”

“Then why are you pushing me away?”

“Because I can’t be that person for you, Rose.” He clamped down on his tongue to chase away the emotion welling in his chest. “I can’t. I promised myself I never would. Never again.” The words hung in the absence of sound for a moment, resonating louder than they had when they were being spoken. He looked at the ground, closing his eyes. “It hurts too much.”

She stepped forward and put her hands on his shoulders, stooping to force eye contact. “More than leaving now?”

A tear fell from his eye as he nodded. “Much more.”

She pulled him into a tight hug and he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. The silence was heavy, fraught with all their unspoken words. The Doctor breathed deep, filling his nostrils with her scent, eyes closed in deep concentration as he committed her to memory as deeply and fully as he could, hearts breaking with the weight of it. He exhaled slowly.

“I had a daughter,” he said, voice soft and high, not fully committed to what he was forcing himself to say. “While you were away.”

Rose pulled away, eyes wide in shock. “What…?” Her face reddened at the thought of him having moved on, found someone else. Had she just assumed he had remained detached like she had? It never occurred to her that… maybe he’d gotten over her. Maybe seeing her now was only dredging up old feelings he’d put away long ago.

He read the look on her face and quickly shook his head. “No, not like that. It was a genetic progeny created via DNA sample. Sort of a long story, but she was born a grown woman. She… she died in my arms.”

Rose’s face softened, eyebrows creased in sadness and pity. “Oh my god, Doctor… I’m so sorry…” She brought him back into her arms, squeezing him tight.

“It’s always like that for me. Everyone dies, or decides to settle down, or they grow weary of TARDIS life… They leave, and I have to carry on. It’s hard enough when it’s friends… but family, lovers… I’m so tired, Rose. I can’t, I just can’t…” He pulled away to study her face. It was stained with fresh tears, makeup smeared and bleeding around her eyes. “But he needs you,” he said softly. “And he can be there for you in ways I never could.” His hands slipped down and found her fingers, giving them a squeeze. “Please… let at least one part of me have that pleasure.”

She swiped a hand across her cheek, smearing her makeup further as she dried her tears. “What about you? All alone…”

He smiled softly. “I have Donna. I’ll be fine.”

“Doctor… is he really you?”

He jerked his head back with a smirk. “'Course he is! He’s very me. Same way I’m the man who used to wear a leather jacket and speak with a northern accent.”

Rose smiled hesitantly. “'Lots of planets have a north’,” she quoted. Her smile spread to show her teeth.

“There’s my Rose,” he said, cupping her face in his hand. His smile faded. “I’ll miss you. It has been so amazing to be able to see you again. Never thought I’d have that pleasure. Thank you. For shining your star in my life one more time.” He brushed his thumb across her cheek. “Rose Tyler. Defender of the Multiverse.” Bending down, he skimmed her forehead with a tender kiss. “Just promise me you’ll have a good life.”

She brushed a strand of yellow hair out of her eyes and forced a smile. “Only if you’ll do the same.”


	18. Chapter 18

Rose stepped quietly into the galley where Jackie, Donna, and the duplicate Doctor were sitting at the table. The ultra-cozy cushions and low furniture were gone, as was the dim lighting, now back to the old black pedestal table with matching copper and black chairs. They all simultaneously looked over at her. She was alone.

“Doctor, the, er, other Doctor wants a word,” she said, gesturing behind her with a thumb flicked over her shoulder.

The duplicate swallowed noisily. “Right. Sure.” He glanced at Jackie and Donna, saying, “Be right back, ladies,” then slipped out of his chair and slunk quietly out of the room, giving Rose the slightest of glances as he passed.

Rose joined the two women at the table without energy, plopping down in the chair formerly occupied by the Doctor’s duplicate.

“What’s going on, sweetheart?” Jackie asked.

Rose slowly shook her head, then buried her face in her hands and burst into tears.

The part human Doctor closed the med bay door softly behind him. His Time Lord counterpart stood by the machines, shutting things down, submitting data to a log entry. He glanced up only briefly before returning his attention to the screen. “It’s settled,” he said simply.

“What do you mean?”

“Rose. She’s staying here, with you.”

The duplicate looked surprised. After a dumbstruck moment, he finally managed to say, “Is that really what she wants?”

The Time Lord let out a long, weary sigh, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. But that’s what’s happening.”

The duplicate frowned and crossed his arms. “What do you mean you don’t know? Didn’t you ask?”

The Time Lord rolled his eyes. “Not so simplistically, no. We talked.”

The part human Doctor chewed his bottom lip and studied the wall a moment before nodding almost imperceptibly. “You gave her a choice?”

The Time Lord shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?” His tone was not unkind, the words spoken with gentle sensitivity.

“I made the choice for me,” he replied plainly, furrowing his brow. “Why do you care, anyway? You get her. Aren’t you happy?”

“It’s not that simple. Just because you choose to leave her here doesn’t mean she’ll choose me. She may well resent me and never want to see me again.”

“Well at least you’re…” the Time Lord thought better of it. “Nevermind. Just… take care of her. Make sure she’s happy, whatever happens. Please.”

The duplicate stepped across the room, putting a hand on his counterpart’s shoulder. “You know I’ll do everything in my power to make her so.”

The Time Lord nodded gently, making eye contact only briefly before looking back down at the monitor and hitting the shut-down key. He sucked in a deep, cleansing breath as his duplicate withdrew his arm and shoved his hands in his pockets. “That’s not the only reason I asked to see you.”

“What else, then?”

“It’s about Donna. Your Donna.”

The duplicate jerked his head back in surprise, brow creased. “My Donna?”

“Yes.” The Time Lord lowered himself onto the nearest bed, hands gripping the edge of the mattress, arms flush with his sides as he leaned forward slightly, forcing his shoulders into a shrug. “Something happened in Donna’s head after you were away.”

The duplicate plopped down on the other bed, sitting opposite his counterpart, slouching forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m all ears.”

“When you found her inside your own mind, before you brought her to me, how did you find her? What sort of facade had your mind conjured up to give her substance?”

The part human Doctor glanced thoughtfully at the ceiling. “I found her sitting by the fire reading a book. Marple, I think.”

“Drinking tea?”

“Yes,” he replied, puzzled. “How did you know?”

“Because she told me. Marple and tea.”

The duplicate slowly sat up straight, thoughtfully threading his fingers together and resting them on the crown of his head. “Strange… how could she tell you that? How could she even have a memory?”

“That’s just it. If she was just a piece of you, the two of you melded into one mind, then she couldn’t. We would have been given access to that part of your brain, and it’s reasonable to think you’d give that part of your mind the appearance of Donna in the flesh, but your consciousness wasn’t there, only your subconscious. The Donna part. She shouldn’t have remembered anything because you weren’t there to remember it for her.”

“Are you saying the Donna part of my mind is… independent?”

“It’s a possibility. If not, it’s certainly not so simple as what we’d assumed; that Donna was literally part of you. You’ve got Donna in your head, but… I think she might still be her own woman.”

The duplicate slowly ran his fingers through his hair, eyes so wide they looked like they might fall out entirely. “Oh my head…”

A cheeky grin spread across the Time Lord’s face. “Not just yours anymore!”

“Oh, Sweetheart,” Jackie said soothingly, scooting over and wrapping a comforting arm around her daughter.

“It’s not fair, Mum,” Rose said between sobs. “He’s just so sad… so lonely… Everything he does for other people, and he’s more alone than anyone.”

Donna reached across the table and took her hand. “Rose, he’ll be okay. I’ll look after him. He’s not alone. Not really. He’s learned not to let people get too close, but he doesn’t shut them out completely.”

“But that’s just it,” Rose sniffled. “He does shut people out. He’s shutting me out, completely out of his life. He says I mean everything to him, and then he says his goodbyes, and…” Another fit of sobs overtook her. “And he doesn’t even want to. He’s just so tired and lonely… I never thought seeing me would make him so sad.”

Jackie rubbed her arm up and down, and Donna gave her hand a squeeze. “You haven’t made him sad. You should have seen him before, when he found out you were coming back. He was so excited, so happy. He was going to see Rose again. I asked him, isn’t that good? And he smiled and said yeah. He was positively beaming.”

Rose sniffled and swallowed down her sobs, wiping tears out of her eyes. “I know why he’s leaving. It’s just not fair that he has to do that in the first place. He deserves every happiness.”

“He just can’t bear when the happiness ends,” Donna said softly. “It’s self preservation. He loves you, and he’ll miss you fiercely. But this is easier for him.”

“I just feel so guilty.”

“Why should you feel guilty, love?” Jackie asked.

“Because I get to be happy. I get to be with him. The other him. While he gets nothing.”

“Nonsense. He gets the TARDIS, and he thought he’d lose me, but now he won’t be alone. He’ll be okay. And he’ll always remember you the way he wants to—happy, bold, powerful, full of that fierce love of adventure! And he’ll never forget how you’re making a piece of himself happy, too.”

Rose stared at Donna, head shaking almost imperceptibly. “That’s almost exactly what he said to me.”

Donna tossed her head humorously. “Well, I’ve been in his head. I am in his head. For better or worse! You see, he’s not alone. He’s more un-alone than he’s ever been.” She grinned warmly, and Rose let out a soft, watery laugh.

They stood on the beach, the salty air chilling their skin and whipping their hair into their faces. Jackie was saying something to the Doctor in blue, and Donna was close behind, laughing at whatever had been said, but Rose wasn’t listening. Her gaze was fixed on the Time Lord, standing in the Tardis doorway. Their eyes met, and they just stood there a moment, staring, faces void of expression while their eyes burned with the heaviness in their hearts. He finally broke his gaze away, looking past her at some distant nothing. His feet moved and brought him over in a languid walk until he was with her, at which point he returned his gaze to her face, studying her features carefully, thoroughly, desperate to always remember every line, every curve, every color and texture. She did the same, inspecting him with great care—his eyes, mostly. She tried to find happiness in them, but couldn’t.

“Will I ever see you again?” The last time she’d asked him that, she could barely force the words out past her sobs, but now she spoke soft and clear, gentle, but her voice laden with deep sorrow.

He shook his head. “No.”

“You said that last time,” she said with a shaky laugh. “And yet, here we are.”

He smiled sadly. “The walls are closing. You broke through during a time of great weakness, but that’s about to change.” She simply nodded in response. He reached out and stroked her cheek. “Rose Tyler… if anyone could defy the universe, it’s you. I couldn’t be prouder. My Rose, savior of the universe. All universes. I’ve never seen anything like it. You. Are. Amazing.”

She chuckled through a watery smile. “Thank you, Doctor. You’re not half bad yourself.”

The Doctor grinned broadly. “Yeah… yeah, not bad.” He shrugged and scrunched up his face. “Passable.”

“You’ll do in a pinch.”

There was a low whoosh followed by a wheezy croak. The TARDIS was activating. He looked back at the blue box and Rose’s smile faded.

“We need to go,” he called to Donna. She looked at him and nodded. Behind her, Jackie and the duplicate Doctor watched, stone-faced.

Everyone gathered and exchanged hugs, thank yous, little bits of advice and praise. Rose lingered in the Time Lord’s arms as he whispered something in her ear. Her face crumpled and she hid herself in his shoulder.

“I’ll never forget you, Rose Tyler.”

“Same,” she choked out. “Doctor. Please. Be good to yourself. Never forget I love you. And if you ever think of me, I guarantee I’ll be thinking of you just then. Let that put a smile on your face, yeah?”

He smiled bravely and wiped a tear from her face. “Oh, undoubtedly! You always make me smile.”

She reached up and kissed him tenderly on the cheek. “Goodbye, Doctor.”

As he followed Donna inside the TARDIS, he turned and looked at the three of them once more, lifting his hand in a little wave. He locked eyes with Rose one last time. Her face was taut, arms folded around herself in a protective hug. Swallowing thickly, he hesitantly opened his mouth, but the words never came. Instead he nodded a final farewell and disappeared into the TARDIS, closing the door behind him. The blue box wheezed into life, faded rhythmically, and was gone.


	19. Epilogue

Rose closed the hotel room door behind her and stepped through the short, narrow rectangle of entry space—a door to the en suite on the right, the open closet on the left—and into the modest sleeping area beyond. A single bed with a dated pink and teal floral bedspread, a pair of faded wicker chairs by a small round table in front of the window. It looked out over the bay.

She set her purchases on the bed and walked over to the window, looking out. They were a ways away from where it happened, but she could still barely see it—the vague shape of the rock formations huddled defensively around that little pocket of beach. She could imagine the Tardis there, in the distance, a smudge of blue on the sand. She could picture it again, fading from view, only this time from that far off, detached location. She imagined three tiny specs—the three people who had been left behind. Her mum, the metacrisis, and herself.

She was surprised to find her feelings of sadness and regret rapidly being replaced by a hot swell of anger. How could he do this? She bit down on her tongue to stop a fresh flow of hot tears and pulled the curtains closed with a heated slash of the arms.

She kicked off her boots and peeled off her blue leather jacket, sitting on the edge of the bed. Just sitting. Staring at the three square feet of blank wall that separated the dingy pink carpet from the bottom of the windowsill. Events kept replaying themselves over and over in her mind, as they do when something happens that rips you so viciously from the path you’re on and tosses you out into the middle of the wilderness without so much as a deer trail to follow. That moment, that instant when a possibility becomes a fact, and there’s no going back.

What if she had insisted? What if she had demanded that he take her with him? Would he have said no? Or perhaps the bigger question was why she hadn’t. Maybe it wasn’t fair to be angry with him. Maybe she should be angry with herself.

Or maybe not. Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he would have left her either way.

The door to the en suite opened and the metacrisis Doctor stepped softly into the room. She could feel the warmth radiating from the open door, and the moisture heavy air that breathes out to the adjacent spaces after someone’s had a shower. A waft of generic hotel soap and shampoo reached her nose—that undefined fragrance universally recognized as “fresh”. She turned on the bed so that one leg was resting under her, the other still hanging off the side. Looking his way, she gave him a small, tension-filled smile. His hair was damp and ruffled looking, and his face was reddened by the hot water. He was wrapped in nothing but a towel, and looking a bit uncomfortable as he scratched at the back of his neck and avoided eye contact.

“You’re back,” was all he said.

“Yeah.” She reached for one of the bags she had brought back from the shop and tossed it to him. “Got you some clothes. Hope they fit. Wasn’t really sure what size to get.”

He caught the bag deftly with a little smile. “Thanks. I’ll just…” he gestured to the en suite, then disappeared inside, emerging a few minutes later in a gray t-shirt and black drawstring lounge shorts. He sat on the opposite side of the bed from Rose. She felt the mattress sink under his weight, the shifting landscape pulling her in his direction slightly. She adjusted her position and looked at him.

The tension in the room was breath-crushing. It was like having her heart squeezed in a cider press. She felt a swell of dread rising in her chest as her heart rate sped. Was she having a panic attack? She pushed the anxiety down with a deep breath, dying to get out of this room before she suffocated, grasping at something—anything—to break the silence. “Right… well, looks like they’ll do then.”

“Yeah, fit’s good. Thanks, Rose. Bit more comfy than a towel…” he trailed off awkwardly.

“Right,” she said quickly, “Yes, well, I’m off to have my shower. I’ll just be a bit.” He nodded wordlessly and looked away as she grabbed her other shop bags and disappeared into the en suite, pulling the door shut behind her. After a moment of hesitation, she locked the door.

She sat in the shower for as long as she felt she could without making the Doctor too anxious. Much of the tension in her neck and shoulders slowly eroded under the gentle beating of the hot water—as hot as she could stand. When she felt more relaxed, she stood and washed her hair and skin thoroughly, scrubbing her face twice to clear away her makeup. She turned off the shower and dried herself with the crisp, white hotel towel, then rummaged in her shop bag for her own last minute clothes purchase. Finally, dressed in a pair of pink lounge pants and a white tee, her yellow hair twisted up in a towel, she came back out to the bedroom to find the Doctor stretched out on the bed, back against the headboard, ankles crossed, watching a nature show with the sound off. He glanced at her and smiled. “Hey you. Better?”

“Much better.” She replied truthfully. Carrying her shop bag to the bed, she reached in and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a package of plastic cups. “I don’t know about you, but after the day we’ve had, I think we deserve a drink.”

“Sounds perfect.” He massaged the back of his neck with one hand as he clicked the power button on the remote. The picture on the telly disappeared, replaced with a wall of black.

Rose unwrapped the cups and bottle, pouring three fingers for the Doctor first, then for herself. She screwed the cap back on and set it on the nightstand, then crawled carefully into the bed, stretching out next to the Doctor and taking a large gulp, squeezing her face into a tight, pinched grimace as it burned her esophagus on the way down. The Doctor watched her for a moment, then followed her example, expelling a small wheezy cough after.

“Not top shelf, then,” he said with a little laugh in his voice.

“Not exactly, no. Funds were limited.” She smirked, swirling her cup, enjoying the pleasant warmth in her chest far more than the aftertaste of varnish in her mouth.

“You know, I’m not sure how this body’s going to like alcohol. It never seemed to bother me much before, but part human… I might actually become intoxicated. I mean maybe. Possibly. Who knows?”

“That’s something I’d love to see. The Doctor, three sheets to the wind. Maybe I’d finally live down my Myzarxy 5 incident.”

“Ooooh, you’ll never live that one down. Not possible.”

“It’s not my fault! They didn’t tell me what I was drinking, and it was so lovely.”

The Doctor grinned. “Not as lovely as you were after drinking it.”

She couldn’t help but giggle then. “Oh right, retching my guts out over the railing of the Ulah Falls Bridge. I bet I was gorgeous.” She drained her cup and set it on the nightstand next to the bottle.

“Well, I wasn’t really thinking of that part… I was thinking about when we danced. The canopy of stars, the orange flicker of the bonfire, and you, Rose Tyler, dancing with me, hair flying about as you whirled around, laughing through that beautiful smile, pink cheeks glowing brighter with the effects of… well, anyway. You’re always beautiful. Even when retching. Though I am sorry it had to end that way.” He chewed the inside of his lip uncomfortably, then tossed back the rest of his drink.

“Well, things don’t always end the way we expect, I suppose,” she said softly. Immediately she wished she could have taken her words back. She glanced at him. He was staring at his hands, eyes gleaming, looking for all the world like he’d just been slapped. He worked his jaw, then let out a heavy sigh.

“Rose, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I…” His voice grew thick and he stopped, clenching his hand into a tight fist.

Rose reached over and covered his hand with her own. “What for, Doctor?” The question sounded genuine, but carried a tone that indicated he had nothing to apologize for.

“I know you wanted to be with him. To stay in the Tardis. I got in the way and really mucked things up.”

“Doctor, I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with him.”

He looked up at her, eyes glistening with moisture as tears threatened. “I am him.”

“You’re you. I mean you’re both the same—you’re both the Doctor, but…” She paused, weighing her words carefully. “You chose to stay. That’s what I want. I want the one who stays, not the one who pushes me away. I want the one who gives up everything—everything!—just to be with me.”

The Doctor rolled onto his side and caressed her face with his free hand. “What I lost was nothing. You are everything.”

She leaned into his hand, closing her eyes. “God, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too. Rose Tyler. My Rose.” He leaned in and kissed her softly, sweetly. She melted into the kiss, her lips parting in welcome.

She tasted of whiskey and hotel soap. It was the loveliest thing he’d ever tasted.


End file.
